1. BE A PERV - Get frisked. Several times. That's right, just keep going back and forth through airport security. When TSA looks at you funny during the pat down, grin mischievously and say, "oh yeah, that feels good." Make sure to mean it when you say it. If you don't get frisked, just smile and tell them you think they missed a spot. Use your eyes to show them the spot. You know the one. See how many times you can do it and actually get away with it.

2. FLIRT - Walk around, linger at a gate, and when you find that perfect someone stare intensely. Don't blink. When they finally catch you staring, walk on over and use the flight delay / cancellation / on time boarding as an ice breaker to get to know the one you've been scaring. Go for it! Ask that person out on a date. You can go to the food court for coffee. If you still like each other after coffee, grab a bite for dinner. Take it a step further and try speed dating.

3. EAT - Don't you know that calories don't count at the airport? So go ahead and enjoy. No place to sit? Have a picnic on the floor. At the gate. Make sure you're surrounded by passengers before you sit down. Use nearby luggage as a makeshift table. Be romantic by bringing along a date, perhaps the one you picked up at the gate. (Scroll back up to #2)

4. CALL YOUR MOTHER - Or better yet, call another mother, like my mother. Make sure you're wearing the blue tooth when telling the mother of your choice what you're doing, and not doing, and make sure to give details, lots and lots of details. Take it up a notch and explain to her, very loudly, exactly what the passenger sitting next to you is doing. Continue the play by play for as long as possible.

5. READ - Out loud. Help others around you catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. Make sure to let everyone know that Jen is pregnant with twins and that John Mayer is the father. Ask those seated nearby what they have to think, and the let me know whether or not they believe Jen is finally over Brad. While discussing these oh so important details, don't forget to prop those feet up on your suitcase. Better yet, use another passenger's suitcase. When you're done, get out a notebook and make a list of things you think Jen should do, as well as the things she shouldn't do, and share it with those around you. Don't forget to fill me in.

Dear Heather,

I've written to you before and now I have another question. So I've told you that we're traveling w/ our one-year old next month. No car seat, etc. Are there any sneaky ways to insure that we could get an 'empty' seat for her???? I think currently we have it booked so my husband gets the window seat and I get the aisle. We thought that might work as nobody would want to sit in the middle of us. But, I'm sure they'll have to put a single traveler in the middle. We're leaving on the 26th of December w/ American Airlines. I'm sure it will be busy, but what do you think?

Thanks so much!
Marlo

Dear Marlo,

I remember your question, as my answer did get quite a rise out of many Gadling readers, especially those who do what I do for a living. Flight attendants everywhere scolded me for telling you that it was okay to travel without the car seat, even though I did point out that it was much safer to book the extra seat and take the car seat along with you. For those of you who missed that one, here's a link to Galley Gossip: a question about traveling with car seats and strollers. If you'll be traveling with kids during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season, make sure to check it out, along with Galley Gossip: The best invention for kids on the airplane - CARES,

Dear Heather,

I love your blog, I always wanted to be a flight attendant but was told by many I'm probably too short so now I'm going for an Air Traffic Controller job. But I do have a question for you. On the past 4 flights I was on I was stuck in the middle seat because no window seats were available and I can't sit in the aisle. But I was stuck in between to large passengers that had to keep the arm rest up because they were to large to fit in the seat with it down. There were open seats in 1st class and none in coach on all the flights but on all the flights but one the flight attendant said there's nothing they could do. Was there really nothing they could do or did they just not want to deal with it, and I should add these were not short flights, 2 were Chicago to Phoenix and 1 was Phoenix to Charlotte, and the one the flight attendant did move me to 1st was JFK to Phoenix.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

I'm so happy to hear you like the blog. Thank you. First I must congratulate you on choosing an amazing career path in the aviation industry. I've always been in awe of those who work in air traffic control. As for being too short to become a flight attendant, height requirements may differ between airlines. The airline I work for requires a flight attendant to be tall enough to reach into the overhead bin and grab the emergency equipment located inside.

Your question brought back memories. I had just started my career as a flight attendant when I found myself walking down the aisle on a flight from New York to Los Angeles, after pushing back from the gate, only to find two passengers standing up and fighting over the same seat in coach.

"You need to take your seats!" I'm sure I had said.

"There are no other seats!" one of them probably said, because it was a full flight and what I didn't know at the time was we were one seat short.

Remember, this happened before we had that computer in the terminal that scans your ticket prior to boarding, which explains why we not only had a seat dupe that day, but why we also had one passenger too many onboard the aircraft. Did I happen to mention we had already left the gate? We were moving on the tarmac! Immediately I called the flight attendant in first class, who spoke to the captain, who told the flight attendant in charge to tell me to move a passenger up to first class and fast! There were open seats available.

"Oh, okay," I remember saying, as I thought to myself, WOW, I'm about to make someones day!

I like working in business class. What I like even more are the other flight attendants who enjoy working in business. Call me crazy, but I even like business class passengers. I do!

What I find interesting about business class passengers is that the majority of them find it hard to believe that the cabin they prefer to sit in is the cabin that goes the most junior when it comes to company seniority at my airline. Which tells you a little something about business class, or shall I say the passenger who sits in business class, as well as the business class flight attendant.

Sure there are only thirty passengers seated in business class on the 767 (three class aircraft), but haven't you noticed just how much harder the flight attendants in that cabin work compared to the flight attendants in coach and first class during the five hour flight from New York to whatever west coast city you're flying to? Take a look next time. It's unbelievable. Just ask those poor passengers who got stuck sitting next to the business class galley where we park our drink carts and salad carts and meal carts and dessert carts. The service is long and elaborate and the passengers can be just a tad bit difficult at times, making that never ending service take even longer than it should. There's nothing like seeing your fellow crew members relaxing on their jump seats when you're just pulling up the cart to the front of the cabin to begin the salad service.

After thirteen years of flying, not only do I get stuck working the most junior cabin, I hold the most junior position in the junior cabin on the 767. Okay now face the cockpit and look at the aisle on the left hand side of the airplane, and that's where you'll find me. Don't tell me you've never noticed that the flight attendant working on the left hand side (ME!) is much slower than the one on the right?

Here's why...

1. Boarding. What flight attendant doesn't appreciate a smooth boarding? Remember, boarding is the most hectic time of the flight for a flight attendant, especially a business class flight attendant who has to hang up all those black and blue coats in that teeny tiny closet. When working on an aircraft with two aisles, passengers tend to use the first aisle they come to when trying to get to their seat. Unless there's a good "greeter" standing at the aircraft door directing the passengers to correct side of the airplane, all those passengers coming down that same aisle make it difficult for the flight attendant working on the left side to hang those coats the business class passengers are impatiently holding up. Forget about re-seating passengers, delivering pre-departure drinks, helping with luggage, and answering questions about connecting flights until everyone is seated and the aircraft is about to back away from the gate. And no, Sir, I can not swim upstream to hang that coat you are still shaking at me. Sorry, you're just going to sit down and wait!

Groped on the airplane, it happens. A lot. Has it happened to you?

A few years ago I found myself standing in the business class galley with a few of my colleagues, when a very large man who worked for a very large company walked into the galley with an empty glass. Now this very large man, the one with the very large job title, had a seat in first class, which should have been my first warning sign. Passengers in first class do not wander back to business class. As I filled his glass with whiskey, I felt a little pinch on my you know what. I jumped, eyes wide, looked at him, looked at the crew, looked back at him, and did not say a word. No one said a word. And then he did it again.

I had forgotten all about that incident until I read a hilarious article (or maybe a not so hilarious article, depending on who you are and how you feel about these kinds of things) about a writer named Jeremy Langmead and his recent experience on a Virgin redeye flight to New York. The story, Get a Grip of Yourself, Madam, Not me, was posted on the Guardian.co.uk website. As the title suggests, Jeremy got manhandled on the airplane by his seatmate, Louise. We'll get to that later, because what happened next is just as interesting.

Now I had just about finished writing this post (or was it that post?) when comments from another post I had recently written, Middle Seat Etiquette, came pouring in. And wouldn't you know it, a Gadling reader named Ben had a very similar experience with his seatmate. Only this wasn't just a young drunk woman named Louise, this was a middle-aged woman with a son the same age as Ben!

Here's Ben's horrible (double whammy) experience of being groped in a middle seat...

This could have happened in any seat, but it so happened to occur one of the few times I found myself in a middle seat. I usually have enough notice before a flight date that I can scrounge up a window or aisle, but this time I just found out a few hours before, so I had to take a middle seat. I was between a middle-aged gentleman at the window, and a similarly aged woman in the aisle. The man stayed quiet for most of the flight, but the woman and I got to chatting. She had a son about my age who had recently dropped out of college and was moving back home. She was concerned about is future, and was asking me about my plans and interests. It turned out we shared many similar tastes and hobbies. All seemed like a normal congenial talk until about 90 min. into the IAD-SFO flight. Her right hand had found its way onto my left thigh. We had never bothered to put down the arm rest between us.

"Bids are out!"

Those three words are exclaimed each and every month by flight attendants (and pilots) around the world. Perhaps you've even witnessed a crew of four (or more) call out the three words above as they briskly walk through the terminal and pass another crew of four (or more) on their way to the gate.

Maybe you've wondered, what does that mean, as you stood waiting for your delayed flight to board. And while you continued to stand there impatiently waiting, you watched as four (or more) cell phones were simultaneously flipped open and placed to the ear. Rest assured that call must be made upon hearing those three words. If it can't happen right then and there, it will happen very shortly, even if the flight attendant has to hide in the lavatory during the boarding process to make it happen. Why? BECAUSE THE BIDS ARE OUT!

BID, BIDS, BIDDING, BID SHEET - a request of choice routes made by each flight attendant to fly specific monthly schedules. At the airline I work for, our bid sheet offers over hundreds of lines to choose from. Bids are awarded by company seniority, which is why those flights to Asia and Europe always have the most senior flight attendants working the trip.

LINE, LINE HOLDER - a sequence of trips a flight attendant is offered each month. A line holder is not on reserve and works each of those trips in consecutive order.

RESERVE - Reserve flight attendants do not have a line. They bid for days off only. When they don't have a day off, they remain on-call, meaning the company can (and will) assign the flight attendant a trip at any time of day (or night), with at least two hours time to get to the airport. Reserve duty is much like an on-call doctor. We must stay within a manageable radius of our base (mine covers three airports JFK, LGA and EWR). The flight attendant must be duty ready whenever on reserve. This means you must be ready to board a flight within one hour of its departure, which means there are no late nights out and absolutely no alcohol, since you can (and will) be called out to work any time of day or night. I remember one night having a quiet evening at home with a movie and Chinese take out. The food had not even arrived to my apartment and I was already leaving for a trip to London! There's no warning, no lead time, and no excuses.

Dear Heather,

I have a question. We have a flight booked to Orlando with an airline that has seat assignments. Twice they have changed our seats so that we are not sitting together. The first time we were able to have it corrected. But this time, I guess the flight is completely booked and so far they have not been able to find us two seats together. My concern is that my mother is a senior and afraid to fly. Is there anything I can do? And why do the airlines do this? We booked months in advance and used this airline to make sure we would be sitting together. We flew to Orlando last year and did not have this problem. Does this happen often? Just wondering and looking for advice.

Thank you.

Sue

Dear Sue,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles with the airline. What happened to you is not right and unfair. Now I could tell you why I believe this keeps happening, but the truth is I don't know for sure, so I emailed your question to my friend who is an agent for the same airline I work for at the Los Angeles International Airport.

Before I share what my friend, the agent, had to say, I just want you to know that I understand what you're going through, having to worry about whether or not you'll be able to sit next to your elderly mother, as I have a two year-old I travel with regularly. When traveling on my flight benefits, the odds of getting two seats together are slim to none. There's nothing worse than having to beg and bribe people to switch seats. Talk about stress.

Sure, you can ask the flight attendant to help you, but due to the fact that the flights are staffed with minimum crew, and the crew is busy checking emergency equipment, setting up the galleys, greeting passengers at the door, and dealing with all that carry-on luggage that will not fit into the overhead bin, the flight attendants will not be able to assist until the boarding process is over. Boarding, by far, is the busiest time for a flight attendant, which is why you probably won't see one until seconds before the aircraft door is shut, which just adds to your stress. You don't need more stress. You've been through enough already.

Now here's what my friend, the agent, had to say about your lost seats, and what you can do about it in the future...

I'm wearing the blue polyester dress, you know the one, and I'm standing two rows behind you, an arm draped over a seat, a hand gripping the plastic handle of my Travelpro bag. When the lights are turned to bright, I turn around and look at my coworker, and without uttering a word, our eyes say everything that can possibly be said.

Finally you step into the aisle, look at me, and then smile, so I smile at you, and while I'm smiling I watch you dig around inside three different seat back pockets.

"Thanks for a nice flight," says a voice over the PA, and just like that the voice is gone, along with the rest of the passengers, and crew. It's just me, my coworker, and you.

When it comes to the deplaning process, there are three types of passengers...

THE ME FIRST PASSENGER: Jumps out of the seat before the seat belt sign has been turned off. If there are other me first passengers standing in the aisle, they will push each other out of the way in order to be the first me first passenger off of the airplane. Don't you know the first one on should always be the first one off, even when he's sitting in business, not first.

THE NORMAL PASSENGER: Waits patiently in the seat until the passengers sitting a few rows ahead stand. At this point the normal passenger gathers their belongings, and when the time comes, steps into the aisle, grabs the suitcase out of the bin, and begins to walk to the front of the airplane, not once breaking the rhythmic deplaning flow. Thankfully most passengers are normal passengers - when it comes to getting off the airplane.

THE I'VE GOT ALL DAY (AND NIGHT) PASSENGER - I do hope this is not you. Granted, you are very nice, and quite polite, a dream passenger really, and I did have a wonderful time talking to you in the galley, but the time has come to say goodbye, so buh-bye. Adios time. Look, it's not forever, we can do this again, but at another time, on a different flight. So go, please, now! No offense, don't mean to be rude, but the layover is short!

Dear Heather,

Okay, so how bad is to have a one-year old on a plane without an actual 'seat'? Please tell me it's not the worst thing in the world????I wanted to bring a car seat on board, but they won't let us because we're not buying her a ticket. Also, should we check the stroller on the plane? We have a bugaboo, and I hate for it to get ruined, but it breaks down very easily. We could get a bag for it? Do you know if they make specific bags for strollers? Any advice please????????????

Thanks,
Marlo

Dear Marlo,

It's not the worst thing in the world to have a one-year old on the airplane without an actual seat! Now take a deep breath and relax, Marlo, because you are a good mother, whether you buy that seat or not, and you're going to need all that nervous energy in flight entertaining your daughter. Trust me, I know. Whenever I travel with my little one, regardless of how well behaved he is, I always end up feeling completely drained by the end of the trip.

As a flight attendant, it is my duty to tell you that it is safer for your daughter to travel strapped into a car seat that has been secured to an airplane seat. But let's get real for a minute, because that, I know, is not always possible for some to do, particularly in this day and age when people are just struggling to survive. With that said, I must tell you that I have traveled with my son, along with my guilt, minus the car seat, on the airplane one or two times. My advice to you is to keep your seat belt fastened during the flight while you hold your daughter in your lap, because turbulence happens, even when the seat belt sign is not on.

You stated that you want to bring your car seat on-board, but the airline won't let you because you are not buying the extra seat. I do not know which airline you are traveling on, but if you were traveling on the carrier I work for, I'd tell you to take the car seat with you anyway, just in case there is an open seat available. If there's not an extra seat, the airline, at least my airline, would then gate check your car seat. Key word is gate check. Gate check means you are checking the item at the gate. Once at your destination, the car seat (or stroller) will meet you at the aircraft door, not at baggage claim.

Flying back from Honolulu, I found myself crammed in a middle seat. Now I'm not a big person, just a normal sized person, and yet there I sat with my elbows held tight against my side, my hands resting in my lap, as the broken seat in front of me reclined much farther back than it should have. Oh yeah, I had a woman's head an inch from my chest. Good thing I didn't need anything out of my tote-bag, the one located under the seat in front of me, the one I could not reach if I so inclined. And then, if that wasn't bad enough, things got worse, much worse.

The man sitting beside me, the one wearing the trendy dark blue designer jeans traveling with the family sitting across the aisle from him, claimed the armrest between us.

So what, you say? Wait...there's more.

The elbow, the one attached to a very tan and muscular arm, crept over the armrest and kept on going until it found itself in my space - MY SPACE! Thank god my son, and not another adult, sat on the other side of me, so I could lean way over into the space my son did not yet prize. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tried not to scream as I felt the faint tickle of manly arm hairs against my skin.

Middle seat etiquette, am I the only one who cares?

I'll never forget when Cady, my best friend and old roommate, got called out to work a flight from New York to Los Angeles. This was thirteen years ago and we were on reserve and the thought of working a 767 transcon scared the heck out of us. We were new, brand spankin new, and that airplane was big, 160 passengers big! Keep in mind there were also nine flight attendants who knew exactly what they were doing, unlike the two of us, working on that gigantic bird! What made the trip even worse was that Cady had been called out to work the lead position on the 767. Cady, fresh from the charm farm, would be in charge for the next two days.

"How did it go?" I asked, practically leaping off the couch when she walked through the door after her trip the following evening.

Parking her black bag against the wall, she flopped down in front of the television on the lumpy sofa beside me. "I actually had to settle an argument between two grown men."