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SkyMall Monday: Cat Toilet Training System

by Mike Barish (RSS feed) on Feb 8th 2010 at 1:00PM

For some reason, despite the fact that I don't like cats, feline products get a lot of attention from SkyMall Monday. We've featured a litter box and a talking food bowl. But this week, we're tackling a problem that has long flummoxed cat owners. You see, cats already act like they own their homes. They're aloof, ambivalent and seem to genuinely enjoy watching humans scoop up their feces. It's that last issue that sticks out the most. How can they truly be the heads of their households when they can't even clean up after themselves? In order for cats to completely evolve into our furry overlords, they'll need to stop pooping in litter boxes and start using toilets. While it may seem ~~terrifying~~ strange for cats to use toilets, it's the logical progression towards them dominating and overthrowing their owners. However, cats can't teach themselves to use the facilities. They'll need their current "masters' to assist them. And knowing how insane cat owners really are, I'm certain that they will have no problem being party to their own eventual enslavement. And that's why they will all be thrilled to discover that SkyMall is ready to help them take the first step towards building making their cats independent. Because SkyMall now offers the Cat Toilet Training System.

Cats may lack opposable thumbs and the ability to wipe their own butts, but they have the desire to humiliate their owners and an affinity for licking themselves. And that's why they'll take to toilet training like a squirrel takes to underpants. Sure, they'll need you to open the bathroom door. And to flush the toilet. And to update the issues of Cat Fancy that you keep in the bathroom. But it will all be worth it when you're twenty minutes late for work because your cat has explosive diarrhea and you couldn't get into the bathroom to take a shower.

Think that toilets are only for people and thirsty dogs? I bet you don't even believe that monkeys should be on ice skates. Well, the animal experts over at SkyMall beg to differ.

The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good. With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less. The age or weight of your cat doesn't matter and it works in multiple cat households too.

I suppose that toilet training your cat is a better solution to the litter box issue than hot gluing its anus shut. Though I do fear that young, tiny kittens will fall into the toilet where they will fall prey to abandoned alligators that live in the sewers.

So, in eight weeks, you can finally make yourself completely subservient to your cat. Once he can use the toilet, there will be no stopping him from finding a job of his own, supporting himself and kicking you out of the house. And while being homeless may be tough, at least then you can start pooping wherever you want. Surely some cat will come along and scoop it up.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.