Life Nomadic: Tynan's Top Ten Cruise Tips {Gadling}

Oct 16th 2010 2:34AM This is without a doubt the absolute worst set of tips I have ever seen anywhere. Please do us all the service of advertising heavily months in advance which ships, and dates you will be cruising so the rest of us can avoid you, and your party.

1. So you are the one. You are the dirt bag that keep the rest of us standing under a lifeboat wearing a hot life jacket forever and a day while they have to go and find your lazy rear end. Thanks a lot idiot, I bet you would be the one running around like a chicken with it's head cut off if something did go wrong, shoving women and children out of the way to save your own precious butt.

2. As has already been pointed out here there are certain ports where this is bad advice due to the inherent risk of going it on your own. When I was on one island as a 15 year old I was asked if I wanted to buy ganja 3 times within two blocks of the ship (probably very lucky nothing bad happened to me that day). Additionally if your tour runs late and it is not sanctioned by the cruise you are going to have a lot of fun watching your ship and belongings sail away with out you. Sometimes going on your own is fine, but it is not something I would recommend to a first timer, or unseasoned cruiser on any but the most commercial and safest of islands.

3. As stated multiple times, rooms by elevators or stairs are among the noisiest rooms on the ship. The only rooms you could choose that would be worse would be those too close to a galley(kitchen) or one of the public rooms that has a lot of late night activity. Besides if you really shared 31 dishes at one meal with a single partner you really probably need the exercise anyway.

4. You are of course free to eat as much as you want on a cruise, but my Lord is it some kind of personal challenge for you? You can't eat ALL the food on the ship so you need not bother trying. You remind me of the women they caught stealing food from the buffet after it closed down for the night on the last cruise I went on.

5. Again so you are the dirt bag that thinks the world revolves around you and that you and you alone shouldn't have to follow the guidelines about requesting special dietary requirements. I bet you wear jeans and shorts (or have attempted to) in to the dining room as well haven't you?

6. What?!? Outside of the Freestyle, or select dining concepts they don't let you just stroll in to the main dining room anytime you want and sit at any table you want at least for dinner. Now the proper way to do this is to order room service from your cabin off of the dinner menu which is available during normal dining hours.

7. Security requirements forbid you from carrying your own bags on the ship these days, and thank God they do because there is nothing worse then waiting behind some idiot blocking up the gangway while trying to manhandle 5 pieces of luggage at a time. It's bad enough to have to put up with people like you in the airport, I really don't care to deal with it at the ship terminal too.

8. I don't get people that can't live without internet for as little as 3 to 7 days. Isn't the point of going on vacation to get away from it all? It reminds me of all the people that whip out their cell phones the instant the ship is in range of the land based network.

9. People will recognize you and find a way to avoid you based on the advise you have given here. Ever heard the response to " I'll see you later," that goes, "Not if I see you first"? Well that phrase was created for people like you.

10. One last time, so you are the dirt bag that is clogging up the gangway and hallways because you can't follow the rules. And incidentally how much you paid for your cabin has little to nothing to do with when you are let off the ship. Only the very upper tier suites get priority debarkation. Debarkation is generally based on whether or not you are local or have a flight to catch, and whether or not you have an early or late flight. So in addition to just being a nuisance you are causing needless stress to a bunch of people trying to catch flights home.

Bonus Tip. Fraternization is frowned upon by most cruise lines, and can even cause a cruise employee to lose their job. But then a person like you really doesn't care what kind of disruption you cause in other people's lives as long as it doesn't directly impact your life do you?