Gadling

With Thanksgiving fast approaching and Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year's following right behind it, more people than ever will be flying in the upcoming weeks. That means only one thing. Holiday travelers will soon be taking over the airports. It won't be pretty. Long lines will form at security, the kind made even longer by passengers who have yet to master the techniques needed to pass through airport security swiftly and smoothly. That's why it's so important to get to the airport early.

As a working flight attendant I'm able to flash my crew ID and bypass the line - one of the few remaining perks of working for an airline. Hey, don't get mad at me. Because the last time a passenger threw a fit, pushing me out of the way while screaming about his flight that was about to depart in five minutes, he not only wound up on my flight, forty five mintues later, but on my side of the business class cabin. It was an awkward flight for both of us.

When I'm not traveling in uniform, I always pick the line that has the most business travelers in it, regardless of how long it may be. Frequent fliers know the drill. They're quick, they're fast, and they're always ready to go. As the mother of a three year-old, I know what's it's like traveling with kids. It ain't easy. But by the time the family of four realizes that the stroller needs to be placed on the belt along with the car seat, and that little Johnny's shoes must come off - even if he is only six months old - I'll be long gone, on my way to the gate. I'm not just a flight attendant, I'm a commuting flight attendant, so if there's one thing I know besides uncomfortable seats and bad food, it's how to pass through airport security quickly.

Here are five tips to get you through security faster...

I knew something was up when an attractive woman wearing a fur vest walked to the back of the airplane during boarding and pulled my coworker aside on a flight from Dallas to New York. I couldn't really make out what they were saying as I set up the galley, shoving snacks in a drawer and stacking cups in an insert, but it had something to do with a kid who had spent his entire summer babysitting while his friends went on vacation. The woman, it turned out, was the aunt who wanted to do something special for the boy, something that his friends had never experienced.

"Ya think he can visit the pilot during the flight?" asked the woman smiling brightly. "It's his first flight."

"No, I'm sorry, we don't do that anymore, not during the flight," said my coworker. "But you can take him up there now while we're still boarding."

The exchange reminded me of a conversation I'd had with a guy who recently told me about a memorable flight he'd had as a child. It happened back in 70's when passengers actually dressed up to travel. He'd fallen asleep next to his mother and awoke to find that a pair of wings had been pinned to the lapel of his jacket. Not only did he keep the gold American Airline wings, he shared a photo of the jr. pilot wings, circa 1977, that the flight attendant had given to him aboard a B707. "It was the strangest thing," he said, reflecting back on the flight in awe. So strange, in fact, the experience may have been life altering. Bryan is now a pilot who also creates aviation T-shirt art.

Bryan isn't the only one who has experienced a memorable flight while growing up. I've heard several amazing stories over the years that have actually affected me! Now whenever I have kids on board I make it a point to march them up to the cockpit to meet the pilots. If they're lucky they'll get to push a few buttons and might even get a copy of the flight plan after we land. You never know whose future you may be shaping with one simple push of a button and a handful of paper.

Last week a producer from ABC Nightline News contacted me about doing a story on the laviators - THE LAVIATORS! I know, it's weird, I can't believe it myself. But one of their corespondents actually happened across my blog after surfing around Youtube where they found people doing all sorts of bizarre things in airplane bathrooms. Of course I asked if he'd seen my video, 25 ways to use a maxi pad in flight, but he had not, so I emailed it to him right away. What he had seen, it turns out, was Michelle's funny laviator music video featured below.

"Michelle really stepped it up a notch," the producer said matter of fact over the phone.

"That she did!" I agreed. Then I added, "She's also the one responsible for getting the word 'laviator' into the urban dictionary! Now if only we can get the word 'lavatar,' as in a laviator avatar, in there as well."

The producer laughed, and then went on to describe the club as "hysterically weird" and asked what might compel someone to take pictures of themselves in the lavatory.

Honestly, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself, and I'm the first official laviator! Although I'm pretty sure it has something to do with boredom. Or maybe it's just exciting to do something a little risque - and weird - on an airplane. Then again, it could be all of the above. Who knows. All I know for sure is the end result is fun.

After pitching his story idea, the producer assured me he'd be back in touch. That was over a week ago and I still haven't head from him. Well that got me thinking. Let's have a best of the best laviator photo contest!

Gallery: Laviators: The best of the best

Recently I read an article on News.com.au about a passenger who stole a few cans of beer from a beverage cart and then tried to flush the evidence - the empty cans, not the liquid - on an Air Canada Jazz flight. The pilot diverted the plane and the nameless thief, 23, was arrested for causing a disturbance on an aircraft. Like most airlines, Air Canada Jazz has zero tolerance for unruly behavior.

It did not come as a surprise to read about the passenger who had been caught stealing liquor, because I've come across quite a few sticky fingers myself over the years squatting in front of an unmanned cart or walking out of the galley with minis hanging out of their pockets. Yes, I made them put it back! What shocked me about the whole thing was the fact that the passenger actually tried to flush those aluminum cans down the toilet! Seriously, that's crazy!

Once, years ago, on a Sun Jet International flight, a passenger decided an hour before landing that a fire extinguisher would make a wonderful souvenir. Somehow, I don't know how, she managed to stuff the large red bottle inside a duffel bag and hide it under the seat in front of her, and she did it without anyone seeing her do so. The extinguisher only found its way back into the metal brackets behind the last row of coach after we, the crew, made several PA's threatening to search every bag on board the airplane, which happened after we made a few other PA's about not allowing anyone deplane until the fire extinguisher was returned - no questions asked. Not too long ago a passenger lo and behold "found" an egg McMuffin just sitting on my jump seat and figured it was for the taking. If the guilty one had not already bitten into my breakfast sandwich I would have snatched it back. I can't even tell you the number of times my magazines and books have disappeared right out of my tote bag. People do crazy things on airplanes.

Now back to the beer-drinking-aluminum-can flushing idiot who didn't have to steal the liquor which resulted in an arrest and probably a fine that was much higher than the price of an adult beverage. Really, there are ways to get free alcohol without causing an in flight disturbance, ya know. Oh sure it depends on the crew and the airline and what's going on that day, but here are a few ways to increase your chances...

Ya know, I've seen a lot of strange things working as a flight attendant in the last fourteen years, I really have, and just when I think I've seen it all a passenger will surprise me. Recently an elderly woman asked if I'd be willing to help her get her bra back on right after she yelled at me for talking too much in the aisle. And then there was the time I sat down on my jumpseat in the back of the airplane and another passenger cracked the lavatory door open and asked if I had a magazine she - not he - could borrow. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Most of the time it's a passenger making a strange request, but this time it's an airline and that airline is implementing one wacky new policy. It wants you to pee before you fly. As of October 1, 2009, All Nippon Airways (ANA), a Japanese Airline, is asking its passengers to empty their bladders before boarding a flight, and they're doing so in the guise of going green. Now I'm all for being green, I even carry my own eco friendly refillable water bottle along with me on trips, but setting up signs at the airport and hiring "loo-attendants" to remind people to use the bathroom is kind of crazy, don't ya think? ANA believes a lighter aircraft will result in lower fuel use which in return will create a reduction in carbon emissions.

Perhaps All Nippon is on to something. It's been rumored that American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 when they removed one olive - ONE OLIVE! - from each salad in first class. Can you imagine how much money will be saved if every single passenger on board a full flight uses the loo before take-off? According to the Dailymail.co.uk, the average human bladder capacity is 15oz, which means if 150 passengers relieved themselves that would total to 63.7kg of waste. That's 140 pounds, people! That doesn't even count the amount of money the airline stands to save on toilet paper. Now does anyone know how much an olive weighs?

It's that time of year, people! Hopefully you've already figured out what you're going to be for Halloween. It is right around the corner, ya know.

I'm the type of person who usually waits until the last second to pull something together, which is why I almost always end up feeling insecure about my costume, a crap costume, which only leads to a miserable night out - that is if I even go out! It all depends on just how crappy the crap costume actually ends up.

But this year I've decided to do things a little differently and embrace the holiday season. I'm going to dress up in something I've planned out well in advance. What that costume may be I still don't know, but my three year-old knows that he's going as Captain Hook and wants me to dress up as Tinkerbell. Not a chance. Thankfully there's still plenty of time to figure it out.

Now if you're like me, you're looking for a costume that's easy to throw together and inexpensive. So why not live out your inner fantasy and dress up as me - a flight attendant! Think about it, you'll be able to deliver drinks and do the pointy-point all night long. Oh you know you want to!

Last year at this exact same time I came across an interesting post from Jennine (that's her in the photo) who has a fantastic fashion blog called The Coveted. Imagine my surprise when I spotted her dressed up as a stewardess for Halloween, a fantastic get up she created by using clothing from her very own closet.

Like I mentioned in my last post, Fly-Girls, a flight attendant docu-series airing soon, it's rarely ever a good thing when flight attendants are in the news...

It happened a few seconds after the Captain on my flight from Miami to New York introduced himself and then asked if I had brewed a pot of coffee. I had, in fact. I always do whenever I'm working the galley. I poured him a cup and told him my name as we boarded a full flight on a 757.

After taking a sip, he whipped off his hat and hung it on a hook against the back of the cockpit door. Nonchalantly he said, "Did you hear about the bomb threat today?"

Immediately I stopped counting meals, chicken with rice and cheese tortellini, and spun around to face him. "What happened?"

"A flight attendant found a note in the lavatory. It said there was a bomb on board the flight." And with that he was gone, too busy chatting away with a mechanic who had stepped into the cockpit.

Of course the first thing that came to mind when the pilot uttered those two oh-so-innocent words, "flight attendant", was oh no, please don't let it be a flight attendant who wrote the note. The next thing I thought was, I wonder if the crew was on reserve.

The only reason I suspected the crew was because something similar had happened a few years back. Even in that case, so many years ago, when I heard on the news that the flight attendant under investigation had been on reserve when she left a note in the lav, I had to laugh. Just because being on reserve does make one a little bit crazy. At times. But usually not that crazy, not bomb writing crazing of course!

When I mentioned to a friend, and lawyer, what had happened on the American Airlines flight from Boston to Miami, as well as whom I hoped the suspects would not turn out to be, he said, "Tell me, how does 'we will get fired' 'we will go to prison' get left out of the thought process before writing that kind of note?"

Good question.

Then I reminded him, as well as myself, that the flight attendants in question are innocent until proven guilty.

Two days later I am now unhappy to report that what I had prayed would not be the case seems to be kinda-sorta happening. The crew is now officially under investigation. The details are as follows...