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The Gatekeepers Of Asia: Face To Face With The Border Guards Of The Far East
In the West, randomness is a crucial, torturous pillar of border security. Those who have been to Asia know that active sadism is supplanted by bureaucracy, vanity and venality. In my opinion these are highly preferable alternatives. Once you know how land borders adopt these principals, they can be easily navigated with a bit of tact, patience and occasionally a small financial stimulus. I find these vagaries far easier to deal with than the gleaming desks and suspicious minds that protect Western countries against threats ex umbra. At least the caprices of Asia's gatekeepers are motivated by personal incompetence, not institutional torment.
To make things easier, I've noticed after a long period of driving my own car around Asia, with all of the bureaucracy that entails, that there are some core motivations that drive Asia's customs officials. These motivations result in eerily similar individuals from border to border. And so it is one of the peculiarities of driving overland for long distances that you can have a near-identical experience crossing the borders of countries so disparate as Iran and Cambodia.
I haven't been to everywhere in Asia, so I can't say these truths are universal. But the following four types of border official have shown up at almost every land crossing I've been to so far so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if these were pan-Asian characters.
These guys just left and won't be back for a couple of hours, sorry.
Entering Pakistan from Iran was a long process. We signed gigantic registers with entries dating back to '80s and traipsed from building to building over barbed-wire fences. When were finally ready to go, having been in the borderlands for hours already, we had to wait for our security detail. We stood impatiently in the rapidly warming desert waiting to get under way. And waiting. And waiting some more. Where was this guy?
"He is having tea, of course," someone informed us. "Would you like some?"
Time has no meaning when you're dealing with authority, so we sat down for chai and were off promptly when we finished.
Later, in India...
"And so I can go now?" I asked, having laboriously acquired half a dozen stamps and bits of paper with Hindi scrawled all over them.
"You will have to get your car inspected by the safety officer."
"And where is he then?"
"Oh, I am sorry sir, but he is unavailable right now. He is having his lunch and should return in a couple hours. Perhaps you would like some tea?"
Even later, in Cambodia...
"You cannot go," the customs agent told me. "You need to have your car's documents stamped by the head of customs."
"Is he having tea?"
"No, lunch actually."
"And when did he leave for lunch?"
"Two hours ago, maybe. He should return soon."
The Wal-Mart Greeter
Oblivious to his country's immigration and customs protocols, he welcomes you like an old friend, often to your detriment.
Deep in leafy green forest in northern Malaysia there is a small border post with Thailand. I stopped at the Malaysian checkpoint and they stamped my car's papers and practically pushed me out of the country. I inched my car down the lane into Thailand, expecting someone to stop me and ask for papers, passport, where I was headed... anything. Ah! A Thai guard at the end of the lane was watching me from the security lane and he beckoned me toward him. I drove up and rolled down my window. He smiled broadly at me and indicated I should just keep on driving.
I pulled away from the border and drove slowly down the road. I noted Thai people buying fruit from stalls and walking around with the evening groceries. I was in a bustling Thai market. No passport check, no vehicle registration, no searches. I parked and walked back to the customs building and proceeded to confuse everybody.
"Hey there, can you stamp my passport?" I asked the immigration desk.
"Where is your Thai entry stamp?"
"That's what I'm after."
"When did you enter?"
"Three minutes ago."
"You are leaving?"
"No, I'm coming."
"Why do you come from Thailand?" he asked, seeing how I had walked over from the Thai side.
"I'm not sure."
"Where is your Malaysia stamp?"
Of course, I hadn't been stamped out of Malaysia either. I trotted back across no-man's-land to the Malaysian office where I had more or less the same conversation with the border guard, who couldn't understand why I needed an exit stamp when I was clearly coming from Thailand.
Later, in Laos...
A few months after, I entered Laos by way of vehicle barge, sharing the boat with two gigantic cargo trucks for the 4-minute ride across the Mekong. As I drove up the ramp to the main road at Huay Xai, I stopped and asked a uniformed man where to get a visa, showing him my empty passport. He only grinned and nodded. So I drove on, and I was suddenly in a town. I sat down at a riverside bar and drank a Beerlao, enjoying my minor transgression. Eventually I found the immigration checkpoint 3 miles downstream from where the barge had dropped me off. The customs officials seemed slightly perturbed because no passenger boat had come across for an hour, so where had I come from? This required a fairly taxing explanation, which they eventually and begrudgingly accepted.
The Smuggler's Dream
His only job is to check you're not carrying anything illicit, but he's either too trusting, confused, or it's too hot outside today.
I don't officially advocate smuggling or anything. But boy, if it isn't tempting when it's so easy.
Entering notoriously strict Iran from Turkey, I had done the paperwork dance, and it was time for customs to inspect my car. I nervously led a gruff-looking man dressed in fatigues to where I had parked. He barked at me to open the trunk, which I did in haste. He glanced over the heap of gear from afar, his eyes lingering on the possibly suspicious-looking photography and electronic equipment, camping gear, backpacks, and food.
"What is that?" he asked, nodding at the pile. "Clothes?"
"Well, yes, among other..."
"OK!" he interrupted, signing the form. "You're good."
Later, in India...
As I entered India, a small moustachioed official eyed my car suspiciously.
"You are from England?" he asked.
"No, the car is. I'm from Canada."
"So you have some objectionable things then? Things from Pakistan?"
"Drugs, other things..." he trailed off, his hand moving in circles to fill in the blanks.
"Uh, no, but..." I began, because I certainly did have things from Pakistan. But I was interrupted, as in Iran.
"OK!" he exclaimed, "You're good!"
Even later, in Thailand
In Cambodia I had picked up some fellow travelers and the trunk was packed with bags. The Thai customs officer looked through the window when we rolled up.
"What's in there?" he asked pointing at the back.
I figured I'd keep it simple this time: "Just stuff."
Lonely, bored, vain or incompetent, he finds a way for you to hang around much longer than you want.
After my inadvertent entry to Thailand and the subsequent confusion about visas, I still needed to register my vehicle to drive in Thailand. In a fan-cooled room in the Thai customs house I found a fat uniformed man melting into his chair, as if squashed by gravity and the weight of his immense responsibilities. He barked orders at two demure women as he fanned himself with my car's customs documents. He seemed in no hurry to let me go, raising objections to every one of my attempts to move things along. After stonewalling my paperwork for a while, I realized the problem: he actually had no idea what he was doing, as he never did any of the work himself. With this established, it was a simple task to organize things with the two friendly ladies, who filled everything out and then deferred dutifully to the great squinting Hutt for his precious signature.
Later, again in Thailand...
When I left Thailand from the north, I realized the ghosts of customs past had followed me up the entire length of the country. The big man in the south had neglected to give me some obscure piece of paper that would allow my car to leave Thailand.
I insisted to the guard on duty that I had no idea what he was talking about.
"You need to get the papers where you entered the country," he told me.
My words came to me slowly. "But... that's 1,300 miles away..."
"Not my problem," was his response
"So wait, wait. You will let me drive back to where I came from without any permits, but you won't let me leave?"
About halfway through my sentence he had turned and slithered back into his freezing lair. I leaned my head into the small window and another official batted me away like a stray dog.
"What the hell am I supposed to do, then?" I called after him, a question he dutifully ignored.
So I did what a dog would do. I stood there staring forlornly into the distance for 10 minutes, whimpering softly, until he came back. He had a document in hand, and he was smiling at me.
"Just fill these out and you're good to go," he grinned magnanimously.
He was now my best friend. I was on my way.
Bonus Guard: The Sleeper
The sleepers will do whatever it takes to get you gone so they can get back to their dreams.
I still had to get my car's customs documents stamped first before I could leave Thailand. I didn't expect this to go any better. I climbed the steps to the customs office and poked my head through the slightly open door. A young guy in uniform was out cold at his desk, his belly rising and falling in a peaceful rhythm. I cleared my throat and he awoke with a full body spasm. He looked mildly ashamed when he saw me, his wide eyes betraying the guilt of a lurid dream. I whipped out my form.
"You need to sign here, here, and stamp here and here."
He shrugged and started stamping, offering me a self-satisfied grin when finished, as if there were no easier task in the world.