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How To Vacation With Friends Without Killing Each Other
Every August I head to Long Beach Island for a week with girlfriends. (Yes, this is part of the Jersey Shore. No, I have never met Snooki.) This is our fourth year going and it's taken about that long to figure out how best to vacation together. One of my friends, for instance, likes to have breakfast at the exact same time each morning while reading the New York Times. Mess with this routine at your own peril and travel gods help you if she hasn't had her coffee yet.
Another mate is perpetually training for a marathon that requires a vigorous dedication to 6 a.m. exercise. And I am constantly experimenting with weird food choices (heads up, guys, I'm not eating gluten this year!) and strongly believe that if we are not all drinking cheap white wine by 4 p.m. then we are not really on vacation.
The point is, we all settle into different cycles while we're traveling, and if you're not careful then it's easy to disrupt the carefully crafted vacation balance. So if you, like me, want to maintain your at-home friendships post group excursion, follow these five simple rules.
Choose Wisely
I'm sure you've heard this delightful expression: you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose. There should be a travel version of this disgustingly conveyed wisdom, something like: you can pick your friends and you can pick your route but you can't pick your friend's route. (I'm still working on the phrasing. Suggestions are welcome.) We don't all have the same ideas about travel. Some are determined to spend their entire South Dakota vacation at Mount Rushmore while others think the state is all about the Corn Palace (I hear it's a-maize-ing). Agree where you're going and what you want to see once you get there – before you start the trip.
Talk it Out
What are your vacation hopes and dreams? Have any pet peeves or weird quirks? What time do you like to go to bed? To get up? I know your mom says the way you belt out show tunes in your sleep is endearing but I want to know about it beforehand so I don't think we're being invaded by Broadway bandits. And if me rising early to snap a million photos of the sunrise from our balcony then babbling on about how glorious it is will make you want push me over that same balcony, I want to know about that, too. Oh, and single folks should establish a hook-up policy. Mine goes something like this: do not let me go home with anyone sporting facial tattoos no matter how passionately I pontificate about how brave it is to disregard societal notions of beauty (that is just the cheap white wine talking).
Take a Break
You are traveling together. This does not mean you are conjoined twins. If you want to ride horses in the Andes for six hours that's great, but to me this sounds like a special breed of torture. Let's go our separate ways for a bit. We might part for the hour or day or week or longer. That's cool. Like couples who pursue separate hobbies, we'll have lots to catch up on when we reunite. That old travel spark will ignite between us once again and we'll ride off together into the sunset, renewed and reinvigorated by each other's tales of solo adventure – just not on horses, of course.
Money, Money, Money
People say there are three crucial conversations to have before getting married: about children, religion and finances. Luckily, you can avoid the former two with your travel partner – but not the latter. Are you planning to split costs equally? Divide up bills based on what each individual eats and drinks? Are you going to pay for all our trips because you recently won the lottery or work in finance or both? Hash it out now and not when the Excel spread sheet is circulating two weeks after the trip and that little square next to your name says you owe more than is in your bank account.
Keep it Real
This falls under the category of obvious but important life advice (and also under the category of white girls trying to sound like rappers) but it's also vital for traveling with friends. If you're annoyed, speak up (be nice, I'm sensitive). Suppressed feelings fester under the very best conditions but in enclosed spaces like cramped hotel rooms and overcrowded Bolivian buses they positively pickle. You're bound to get into some minor scrapes with buddies on the road – the longer the trip, the more likely – but this can actually be a good thing. As long as you resolve the issue in a timely and diplomatic way and without anger-invoked defenestration from your hotel room, you'll probably find yourself closer than ever after having survived your adventure – and each other.
What are your vacation hopes and dreams? Have any pet peeves or weird quirks? What time do you like to go to bed? To get up? I know your mom says the way you belt out show tunes in your sleep is endearing but I want to know about it beforehand so I don't think we're being invaded by Broadway bandits. And if me rising early to snap a million photos of the sunrise from our balcony then babbling on about how glorious it is will make you want push me over that same balcony, I want to know about that, too. Oh, and single folks should establish a hook-up policy. Mine goes something like this: do not let me go home with anyone sporting facial tattoos no matter how passionately I pontificate about how brave it is to disregard societal notions of beauty (that is just the cheap white wine talking).
Take a Break
You are traveling together. This does not mean you are conjoined twins. If you want to ride horses in the Andes for six hours that's great, but to me this sounds like a special breed of torture. Let's go our separate ways for a bit. We might part for the hour or day or week or longer. That's cool. Like couples who pursue separate hobbies, we'll have lots to catch up on when we reunite. That old travel spark will ignite between us once again and we'll ride off together into the sunset, renewed and reinvigorated by each other's tales of solo adventure – just not on horses, of course.
Money, Money, Money
People say there are three crucial conversations to have before getting married: about children, religion and finances. Luckily, you can avoid the former two with your travel partner – but not the latter. Are you planning to split costs equally? Divide up bills based on what each individual eats and drinks? Are you going to pay for all our trips because you recently won the lottery or work in finance or both? Hash it out now and not when the Excel spread sheet is circulating two weeks after the trip and that little square next to your name says you owe more than is in your bank account.
Keep it Real
This falls under the category of obvious but important life advice (and also under the category of white girls trying to sound like rappers) but it's also vital for traveling with friends. If you're annoyed, speak up (be nice, I'm sensitive). Suppressed feelings fester under the very best conditions but in enclosed spaces like cramped hotel rooms and overcrowded Bolivian buses they positively pickle. You're bound to get into some minor scrapes with buddies on the road – the longer the trip, the more likely – but this can actually be a good thing. As long as you resolve the issue in a timely and diplomatic way and without anger-invoked defenestration from your hotel room, you'll probably find yourself closer than ever after having survived your adventure – and each other.
Filed under: Learning, Budget Travel
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Timebomb Aug 28th 2012 12:43PM
We shared a house down the Jersey shore one summer. One of the moms insisted that we do not take the breakfast cereals out of our car so her kids would not be tempted to be eating them. Thought it was odd for someone to be dictating my kids breakfast but in the spirit of the first day there, i agreed to keep them out of the house, assuming my kids would eat fruit, pancakes or eggs all week. The next morning, the mom who insisted on no cereal came into the house after a long healthy walk and place the mornings breakfast in front of the kids. It was donuts! Sugar donuts that had been sitting in all sorts or cooking oil only 30 minutes prior. I bit my tongue a bit but had the cereals in the house the next morning as an alternative to the greasy donuts.
Sally Stretton Aug 31st 2012 12:10AM
OMG, I wish I had read this blog a few years ago when I traveled with my two girlfriends from college. My BFF and I were good, but our other friend is the one I had so many issues with. We went to Miami Beach, FL. and my girlfriend wanted to just lay out at the pool and read magazines. Me and my BFF wanted to see the city and do some sightseeing. When we left our friend to do what we wanted to do, she was resentful and got a major attitude with us for the rest of the trip. We argued about everything from who was going to drive the rent-a-car to how we would pay for dinner, split the check three ways which was easiest or itemize everything. I didn't speak to her for about two months after that trip. We did make up and later when on other trips together where we had more of an understanding and gave each other plenty of space!
Sally
Woody Autumn Sep 1st 2012 7:53AM
Sally Stretton said this "...how we would pay for dinner, split the check three ways which was easiest or itemize everything."
First of all, why not ask for SEPARATE CHECKS? This would alleviate a lot of problems. If the restaurant would not provide separate checks, then use the CALCULATOR on your cell phone! The calculator on the cell phone makes it very easy to figure out just what each person owes.
Splitting the check three ways evenly, is not fair to those who did not have three Pina-Coladas at $8-$10 in addition to their $20 meal choice. My dinner was only 10 bucks total and you spent almost $40 on yourself alone. Of course you feel it is easier to split the bill evenally. I took the time to cut out coupons and present them so I could save. You did not.
It sounds to me Sally like you and your friend were the problem. Don't make others pay for your expenses.
oba.skeg Aug 31st 2012 1:32PM
Don't forget perhaps the #1 way to keep peace in the car - Radio Rules. If you're not traveling with people with similar musical tastes to you, it's important to establish a middle ground for radio/mp3s.
Or veto the guy who insists on the weird musical tastes to never drive.
Crazy Gummies Sep 10th 2012 9:15PM
Hello!
I am going on a road trip for 2 nights and 3 days with 6 of my friends. It will basically be 3 couples and one single. All the couples want to split off and have time with our significant other but we don't want to leave our single friend and make him feel left out. We even thought about taking turns hanging out with him while we go on our "mini dates" but don't want him to feel he is being "babysat.". One of the couples will be splitting off from us for a while since they will be visiting a relative and then going to a coffee shop or somewhere together for a little while. We all want to spend just at least a few hours with our partners but don't want to be selfish or make him feel bad. FYI, he just got out of a relationship 3 months ago. Also, he has been on a group vacation where they spend the whole time together. On top of that, when the couple mentioned they would be splitting off for a while, he was not very happy about it. Any advice?
Scoots826 Oct 8th 2012 4:22PM
After a trip to Maine with a close friend, I'm thinking twice about riding in a car with her & always driving myself though this will be inconvenient for traveling distances. We went to her friends' home in ME. The couple made me feel very welcome. Beautiful place! Shared a bathroom with friend. I would let her shower every morning first as the bathroom was adjacent to her bedroom & I was awake most of the times before her but being considerate not to wake her so I let her wake first and shower. Then she could even go downstairs and spend one on one time with her friend, also. We were usually up between 7 & 8 every morning to get going. Only one morning did I go back to bed because I had bad cramps. She knows from past months that I have a bad time of the month; that I can get nauseous from it, too. (Hate the TMI but need your opinion). Anyway-this particular morning was the morning her friend was taking us to her craft class. She had spoken of our mutual friend & the ladies in her class wanted to meet our mutual friend. I was dragging, in pain, a bit gaggy--but managed to get ready. We were about 9 miles from a McDonald's. The craft class was on the way. I had survived several mornings already without breakfast and only coffee they had at the house that I didn't like---but would never be rude & mention it. Anyway--this morning I mentioned wanting to go into town to McDonald's because I didn't feel well & needed something in my stomach to take medicine with. My friend's response? "I don't eat breakfast because I take diet pills". (We eat lunch while out & our hosts' made great dinners but never breakfast!) Well, when we got to the craft class, I thought for sure she'd sympathize and offer me her car to go to McDonald's and get breakfast but never indicated anything. Although I made the best effort to sit there in a craft class & cut quilt square & DID enjoy the local ladies--I felt hurt and a bit angry that my friend would not consider how I felt or even remember how bad I get every month. And she knew this medicine I brought was the only thing that helps me but I needed some food to take it. Anyway--I sat thru this class for 2 hours then we still had to drop her friend off in another town for an appt then come back to McDonald's. 1:30 by then. I was half dead! And besides that, we had arrived there on a Sunday and it wasn't until Thurs afternoon that she asked if I needed anything at the store. (We were leaving in 2 days). Uggg!! I felt trapped & really don't ever want to be without my own car again. I broke my golden rule---and this was by far the worst! The trip was great though! The area beautiful! And I don't want to overshadow it with this negativity...but I can't help it. There's an event coming up about 2 hrs from here where we could stay overnight if we want & I just can't help not wanting to be trapped without my own vehicle & will probably insist I drive myself. :( Never again!!
Scoots826 Nov 5th 2012 11:11AM
Oh & the point about the bathroom & letting her shower first----she told another mutual friend of ours that she had to wake me up every morning!!! Arrghh!!