Do you really need to be on a first name basis with the person who sells you fava beans? It's a wonderful thing to develop a relationship with local growers but the posturing and farmer name-dropping one-upmanship I've witnessed while working at farmers markets in recent years is over the top. Real supporters of sustainable agriculture--of real food--don't go trolling for discounts or freebies, because they understand just how hard farmers work for a living.

In a perfect world, everyone should have access to fresh, wholesome, local, delicious food, especially children. Thanks to the good work of organizations like the Chez Panisse Foundation and the increasing number of school lunch programs, community gardens, and other food security initiatives across the country, this isn't an impossible goal for Americans to achieve, nor is tackling our obesity epidemic in a one-two punch.

I'm not saying it's wrong to spend disposable income, if you have it, on costly ingredients or dining out. But the fetishizing of food, the pissing contest that is the hallmark of the archetypal foodie is what I cannot abide. This is what's at the heart of foodieism; the need to belong to a special club, with a language all its own. In our status-obsessed society, we need to separate ourselves from the plebes who think that the Olive Garden is serving "Italian" food.

Eating well (not necessarily synonymous with eating "expensively") is one of the greatest pleasures in life, and cooking for other people and joining them at the table sustains us in ways that go beyond filling our stomachs. Every food lover (see? doesn't sound so bad, does it?) has a deep, fundamental reason for why they're so moved by the act of eating.

For me, it's the cultural aspects of food, its intrinsic relationship to travel, as well as the people who grow, forage, raise, catch, and make food on a small, sustainable scale. These are things that I was fortunate enough to experience in childhood, and they made an indelible impression on me, as well as fostered my culinary career. Good food--be it a ripe peach, a great street taco, or a lavish, multi-course meal--brings me joy. For what it's worth, however, my parents aren't "food people." I grew up on a ranch, but I also ate a lot of frozen vegetables and TV dinners, because my mom had two kids to raise, dislikes cooking, and for her, the '70's with its advent of guiltless convenience foods was a godsend.

There's also the bad manners perpetuated by foodie culture. On what planet is it okay to "just pop into the kitchen" during a packed dinner service to talk to the chef...especially when s/he's a total stranger? Yet my boyfriend and I witnessed this scenario, while dining at a certain famous restaurant.

After three hours of listening to the ten-top beside us discourse on the merits of Brittany sea salt purchased at the source versus approximately 12 other kinds of hand-harvested salt, we were ready to clobber them. Look, if you want to spend your money on that shit and then have a debate about it, that's your perogative. Just don't hold a small, intimate restaurant as captive audience. Few things are more deadly boring than foodies in a feeding frenzy.

We watched their lengthy progression of courses congeal and grow cold as they scurried around the table snapping food porn. At meal's end, the ringleader hopped up and made her foray into the kitchen. And, because it was a small, intimate restaurant and my boyfriend and I were seated nearby, we heard the following words come out of the mouth of the extremely irate sous chef who blocked her path: "Lady, we're in the middle of fucking service. Get the hell out of here!"

Cue applause meter.

Foodies should also remember that while home cooking, traveling, and dining out most certainly give you an education about food, they don't, in most cases, make you an expert. Yelp serves a purpose, to be sure, but it's often a means of settling a score or self-promoting. Or, in the case of food blog reviews written by foodies (as opposed to, say, people with actual journalism and culinary credentials), a way to say, "I'm a food writer too!" One food blogger I stumbled across while researching this story had written on a recent post, "I think [foodie] is a very serious title. It's like calling yourself a writer or an artist. It means you have to have the knowledge, talent and experience to back it up."

Um, please get over yourself. Knowing about food, winning a Pulitzer, being the greatest chef on earth...at the end of the day, it's just effing food. Not the cure for cancer or achieving world peace.

I think esteemed food writer and author Amanda Hesser said it best when she was quoted in a Chicago Tribune article last year: "Having more people interested in good food is never a bad thing," she said, but what she can't abide is eating dinner with people who "only want to talk about food and every place where they ate, like, doughnuts or something, and where the best doughnuts are secretly found. Knowing a lot about food culture is a good thing. That cataloguing of food experience is becoming tiresome. I'm pro-food experts. I'm just not so sure I want to have dinner with them or have them judge me on the coffee I drink."

Amen.

[Photo credits: mushroom cloud, Flickr user Juampe López, poster, Flicker user Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com]