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Top 5 ways to annoy your airplane seatmate
Over on Reddit earlier this month, there was a fascinating and hysterical story written by someone who was on an airplane with two seemingly horrible passengers. In fact, he ended up seated directly in between them [Note: The photo to the right is not the author of the Reddit post]. It seems that a mother (on crutches, mind you) boarded the plane with her young son. Rather than move their seats so that the mother and child could sit together, these two women argued that they have "flying issues" and needed to remain in their assigned seats. It turns out that they are sisters and, according to the Reddit user, are quite curmudgeonly. In fact, when he tried to assist with the situation, he was tersely told to mind his own business. After takeoff, the Reddit user and the woman seated next to him traded their seats with the mother and child. Now, however, our intrepid storyteller is smack dab in the middle of the two women who started this whole kerfuffle. Which leads us to his query: "What can i do to make their flight as akward as possible" [sic] We feel compelled to chime in. What exactly are the five best ways to annoy your airplane seatmate?5. Total armrest domination
It actually appears as if the Reddit user has already employed this classic maneuver. We've covered middle seat etiquette before and don't believe that he's doing anything wrong by controlling both armrests. It's his birthright. But that doesn't make it any less annoying to the ladies on either side of him.
4. The art of conversation
It's time to get chatty. Discuss the weather. Talk about the reason for your trip. Ask your neighbors if they think the rash on your lower back looks abnormal. Whatever you do, keep talking. Are they ignoring you by working on their computers or reading newspapers? Don't let that stop you. Keep chatting away, even if no one is listening.
3. Something smells fishy
Who doesn't like tuna fish sandwiches? Everyone seated around you on the plane, that's who. If you really want to bother your seatmates, eat something offensive. With fewer airlines offering free meals, you will need to plan ahead and pack that anchovy and bleu cheese sandwich yourself.
2. Bathroom breaks
Ask the flight attendant for extra water. After all, you need to stay hydrated on planes. Sadly, though, you can never really own water. You just kind of rent it. Asking to use the bathroom once on a flight is expected. Getting up twice isn't too far-fetched. After your sixth trip to the head, however, you're seatmate will be ready to stand up and scream. Which is helpful, since you'll be able to get into the aisle again for your seventh bathroom run.
1. Airsick
There may be nothing worse than traveling next to a sick passenger. Feel free to get creative in how you portray your illness. You can go with the common cold and simply sneeze every 1-3 minutes. The sore throat is a classic and allows you to go with the excruciatingly annoying consistent throat clearing maneuver. To get the most bang for your buck, however, you'll want to go full vomit. Work up to it, though. Start by talking about how you feel nauseous. No one likes hearing about a stranger's stomach issues. Go to the bathroom with an excessive sense of urgency. Place your hand over your mouth, on your stomach, or on your buttocks. Covertly fake some gurgling noises. Now, depending on how committed you are to this, you can go all in. Vomit into the airsickness bag (either for real or sneakily dump some airport Sbarro's lasagna in there). Do not miss the bag. Remember that you're trying to annoy the passengers, not create extra work for the flight crew.
What did we miss? Surely there are more ways to annoy your seatmates. Let us know in the comments. We sure hope that the Reddit user came up with something good. Oh, and the next time you have the chance to help a passenger by switching seats or assisting them with a bag, just do it. It makes the world - or at least your flight - a better place.
[via @legalnomads]
Photo by Flickr user BJ Carter.
It actually appears as if the Reddit user has already employed this classic maneuver. We've covered middle seat etiquette before and don't believe that he's doing anything wrong by controlling both armrests. It's his birthright. But that doesn't make it any less annoying to the ladies on either side of him.
4. The art of conversation
It's time to get chatty. Discuss the weather. Talk about the reason for your trip. Ask your neighbors if they think the rash on your lower back looks abnormal. Whatever you do, keep talking. Are they ignoring you by working on their computers or reading newspapers? Don't let that stop you. Keep chatting away, even if no one is listening.
3. Something smells fishy
Who doesn't like tuna fish sandwiches? Everyone seated around you on the plane, that's who. If you really want to bother your seatmates, eat something offensive. With fewer airlines offering free meals, you will need to plan ahead and pack that anchovy and bleu cheese sandwich yourself.
2. Bathroom breaks
Ask the flight attendant for extra water. After all, you need to stay hydrated on planes. Sadly, though, you can never really own water. You just kind of rent it. Asking to use the bathroom once on a flight is expected. Getting up twice isn't too far-fetched. After your sixth trip to the head, however, you're seatmate will be ready to stand up and scream. Which is helpful, since you'll be able to get into the aisle again for your seventh bathroom run.
1. Airsick
There may be nothing worse than traveling next to a sick passenger. Feel free to get creative in how you portray your illness. You can go with the common cold and simply sneeze every 1-3 minutes. The sore throat is a classic and allows you to go with the excruciatingly annoying consistent throat clearing maneuver. To get the most bang for your buck, however, you'll want to go full vomit. Work up to it, though. Start by talking about how you feel nauseous. No one likes hearing about a stranger's stomach issues. Go to the bathroom with an excessive sense of urgency. Place your hand over your mouth, on your stomach, or on your buttocks. Covertly fake some gurgling noises. Now, depending on how committed you are to this, you can go all in. Vomit into the airsickness bag (either for real or sneakily dump some airport Sbarro's lasagna in there). Do not miss the bag. Remember that you're trying to annoy the passengers, not create extra work for the flight crew.
What did we miss? Surely there are more ways to annoy your seatmates. Let us know in the comments. We sure hope that the Reddit user came up with something good. Oh, and the next time you have the chance to help a passenger by switching seats or assisting them with a bag, just do it. It makes the world - or at least your flight - a better place.
[via @legalnomads]
Photo by Flickr user BJ Carter.
Filed under: News
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
patrick Jun 22nd 2011 4:40PM
Flatulence. Plain and simple! The more the better. SBD is preferred but not required.
guy Jun 23rd 2011 7:21PM
Flat on!!! Once on the way home from MA, the FA put a 400 pounder next to me. I new I was in trouble when the FA removed the center arm rest while leaning over she kept saying " I'm so sorry". Although the FA was appologetic, the swamp sow wasn't and she oozed all over and squashed me into the wall. Every chance I got I blew off a big one only to exclaim "OH I'M SORRY, I HOPE I DON'T MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!!!".
Cedarglen Jun 22nd 2011 10:53PM
Ha! Five more wonderful reasons to either stay off airplanes or pay for a better cabin. Need I say more?
lilbear61 Jun 23rd 2011 3:04PM
5 evangelize
4 talk about eternal damnation
3 recite scripture
2 explain the "road to salvation."
1 offer to pray with person.
then start all over again.....
Peter Forster Jun 22nd 2011 7:54PM
Talk to yourself. Even better, talk to yourself with a voice like gollum. "They wants to take precious, but they can't have it"
Val Jun 23rd 2011 7:17PM
Yeah -
My last flight, at 5 in the afternoon, was cancelled and rescheduled to 8 the following morning. It didn't take off until 10, when we were dsboarded because the wheels fell off during an aborted takeoff. Hours later, having been told that the Amtrak trains were all cancelled, we got back on the plane. I held it together, but the flight was so awful I actually threw up. I didn't normally have a barf bag but this time it was there. I was told I wasn't the only one that threw up, and it turns out that everyone on the flight had slept on the floor of the airport.
Yeah, baby! So then the boyfirned to who I had lent my car picked me up, too angry to speak (still not sure why.)
Nasty brusies on my arms, ass - lovin' it.
Just can't wait to fly again. Like, never. I will sit through traffic, I will walk, I will take a taxi. I will never, ever, despite the constant demands of my relatives, that I visit on layovers 5 times a year, on whom I am totally financiallyh dependent, "fly" again.
I saw a video of an English rock star arriving atJFK and had to leave the room. It's not really my decision. I just can't o it anymore.
Bless you,
--Val==
Scudder Graybeal Jun 23rd 2011 11:59AM
1. Lift the armrest so you can spill over into the next seat.
2. Continue to use your electronic device even after the flight attendant has told you to stop.
3. Wear a tank top after just completing a work out.
4. Stay on your cell phone right up until take off and get on it again at touch down.
5. Stare at the work your seatmate is doing.
Maria1963 Jun 23rd 2011 12:06PM
Oh great, now next month when I go on my vacation I'll probably end up sitting next to someone who read this! LOL!
PC Jun 23rd 2011 12:24PM
Delight your seat mates with your own signature scent by dousing yourself liberally with at least a half of a bottle of the strongest, most cloying cologne or after shave you can get your grubby little hands on, or alternatively, don't bathe, shampoo, or brush your teeth for a week, or better yet, two weeks! Believe me, sitting next to these types many times, I've become quite adept at holding my breath......I'm up to an hour and half now......
leon Jun 23rd 2011 6:58PM
I found that Tink's Doe in Heat buck lure works fairly well and lifting leg and cutting cheese works too. I have learned to eat lots of raw onions and liverwurst and talk with a wide open mouth. I try to read the newspaper and keep it opened wide and wave it around alot to spread the odors. If I can burp I feel like I am handing out a bonus.
Ron Jun 23rd 2011 12:23PM
Repetitive crotch scratching, followed by smelling ones fingers is sure to get one noticed.
Kathleen Jun 23rd 2011 7:53PM
This.is.the.BEST !
Tamara Jun 23rd 2011 12:26PM
1. The moment you sit down in your seat, be sure to recline your seat ALL the way back and leave it there, whether you are sleeping or not.
2. Keep your tray table down for the duration of the flight, and be sure to bring some really noisy, crunchy snack bag to reach into every 5 minutes; and of course, chew with your mouth open and smack your food as loudly as possible. 3. Be sure to complain about the light from the window and demand that your seatmate, who specifically chose and paid for a window seat, close the window shade all the way.
4. If flying at night, turn the overhead light on or off, depending upon the level of irritation it creates with the people seated next to you. If they are trying to sleep, use their laptop or watch the inflight movie, turn it on; if they are trying to read, complain and demand that they turn it off.
5. If you do actually fall asleep during the flight, make sure to slouch over onto your seatmate, drool profusely, and snore so loudly that you successfully irritate at least 20 people in your vicinity.
6. If you have a young child, allow them to turn around in their seat and visually harass the entire row behind you for hours, especially if they are cranky.
7. Break out the nail polish! Nothing stinks up the entire cabin more than your vitally important blood red personal beauty treatment. Make sure you spill some onto your seatmate's dressy pants and whatever you do don't bring any nail polish remover!
you're_stupid Jun 23rd 2011 5:20PM
I pray that you sit next to me, because there would be nothing better than watching you be taken off the plane in handcuffs.
Dad Jun 23rd 2011 12:26PM
I can't believe you actually got paid to write this
CitiMom Jun 23rd 2011 12:33PM
You can always pick up one of the many porn magazines offered in the airport bookstore and then proceed to ogle it (along with making inappropriate noises) during the flight.
jay Jun 23rd 2011 2:30PM
be dramatic with this--- a blanket is an amazing prop
Don Jun 23rd 2011 12:50PM
What an asinine article. Isn't there enough stress and tension in the world without writers like you teaching their readers to add to it?
Use your writing ability for something constructive next time, instead of thinking like a moronic high schooler!
Joe Jun 23rd 2011 12:49PM
How about the always popular digging ones knees into the back of the seat in front of you!!!!!!!
Or the equally popular putting your carryons in the first few rows even though you are seated all the way in the back!!!!!
Or the more popular jumping up as soon as the seat belt light goes off atfer the plane has landed and trying to squeeze past those in the aisle in front of you, like you really can go very far!!!!!!!!
Deidre Jun 23rd 2011 12:52PM
Humming is good, singing under your breath is better. Reading aloud, just loud enough to be heard but not quite enough to understand what you're saying. Bring a mean, annoying lapdog in a carrier, but let it out and talk to it, dress it up or whatever, let it run around. Turning on the personal fan is a good one, don't aim it at yourself. If there's someone with you, share a blanket and make out, or argue.