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Ten cruise packing list items your friends want you to bring
- Manners- Leave the trailer-trash person in you at home. You give cruise passengers a bad name. We don't all live in trailers with horse poo in the front yard and three weeks of garbage in the kitchen because everyone is too lazy to take it outside where the shower is that they never visit either.
- Clothes that fit- Let's get real ladies. Just because you can squeeze into a size 8 does not mean you look good in one. If size 14 is what you really need to wear, do that. Yes, you will never see these people on the ship again but no need to give them nightmares that will last for years. Men, you're not off the hook either. If you are even thinking of competing in the belly-flop contest (see above) you are overweight and need to get to the gym pronto.
- A great big pile of money- Let's face it; hardly anything of any importance is included in the price of your cruise. Yes you can eat at the buffet until you explode but all the best food you will pay extra for. Casino? Pay. Spa Treatments? Pay. Shore Excursions? Pay. Drugs ashore? Pay. (except on Royal Caribbean- they deliver)
- Your A-game- Whatever side of you it is that is icky, leave it at home. Go get a pedicure, manicure, haircut, clean socks, a bathing suit that fits (see #10) or a generously sized cover-up. Everyone will be looking at YOU and YOU alone.
- A good attitude- Check your sour "I hate to stand in lines" attitude at the door. There will be lines. You will stand in them. You will live to tell about it. Get over it before boarding please.
- A gourmet palate- Leave your "belly up to the buffet" demeanor at home. Feed your gaping maw at Golden Corral and bring along an appetite for the good stuff. Cruise lines employ Chef's from all over the world to make fine cuisine for you. Eat it.
- Your brain or the brain of someone else- Bring a brain along. At least one per traveling party will keep you safe, secure and happy. It does not have to be yours, someone else's brain will do. That old line: "It's a no-brainer" is a sneaky one. No, standing on the guard rail is not a good idea no matter how cool you think it makes you look. Take up smoking instead, at least you can quit that later. Death from falling into the ocean? Not so much.
- A calendar/sticky notes- This is just so you can remember that you are on this cruise. No one cares how many cruises you have been on, that you are a Superior Diamond Deluxe member of the past-guest club with bonus Rubies and Gemstones or that you know the captain personally. We. Are. Not. Impressed.
- Handcuffs- They're just fun to have around. There is always a joke or two when you bring out the handcuffs at dinner. Great ice-breaker.
- Anti-Hormone Venom for your teens- I don't know what it is about being on a cruise but teen sex urges go into overdrive at sea. That "look" dads know to beware of on teen boys that come sniffing around for their daughters gets muddled by alcohol too so either don't drink or don't buy those kids booze to be "cool".