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SkyMall Monday: Children's Gym Equipment
Fun & Fitness Air Walker
Finally, a Gazelle for children so that Tony Little can yell at someone who also rocks an adorable blond ponytail. Your kid's calves and butt will firm up in weeks, allowing them to look great in miniskirts and wedges when they hit the birthday party circuit.
Fun & Fitness Weight Bench
No one wants to be that wimpy kid who can't even get his straw into a pouch of Capri Sun (Author's Note: Yes, I know that those pouches were hard for everyone - WTF). Little girls like boys who are ripped. Big biceps mean big pushes on the swings.
Fun & Fitness Treadmill
Sure, your kids could simply do what all kids have done since the dawn of time: run around in circles until they are exhausted and dizzy. But where's the discipline in that? Your children need to be able to monitor their speed, distance and - seriously - calories burned. If your little girl ate too many slices of pizza before bed after a night of partying with Pixy Stix, she has to sweat it all out the next morning before cruising the boardwalk.
Fun & Fitness Stationary Bike
Teaching your children to ride bikes is worthless. They're just going to fall and cry and tear holes in their Jeans Diapers. Instead, let them track their distance and - again, seriously - calories burned while listening to the latest beats from Kidz Bop.
You could continue to let your kids play games, run around in the backyard and, you know, be children, but then you'd just be an irresponsible parent with well-adjusted offspring. If you want your kids to look good, be popular and get with all the hottest girls in playgroup, then you need to get them them toned and jacked. Juice box abs get the ladies.
So, rather than raising your kids to be losers focused on nonsense like Ring Around the Rosie and math, make sure that they are spending two hours a day pumping foam (you didn't think the weights were metal, did you?) and running till they work off those Teddy Grahams. If they're gonna fist pump like little champs, they'll need to earn it.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.