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SkyMall Monday: Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier
I'm going to be honest with you, many of you disgust me. Seriously, you are gross, impolite, awful people. Not all of you. Just those of you who think it's perfectly acceptable clip your toenails in public. You know who you are. I've seen you on the subway. I've heard your clippers in bathroom stalls. Hell, I've seen you on airplanes! How do you sleep at night? Nail clipping is a private affair. It should be done in your own bathroom or seated immediately next to a trash receptacle. Any other locations are wrong on both a moral and ethical level. At the SkyMall Monday headquarters (which is shared with Ms. SkyMall Monday and our SkyMall Monday canines), nail clipping is done behind closed doors lest someone lose an eye to shrapnel. Not only do I dislike rudeness, I don't want to date a one-eyed woman. And certainly not one whose ocular misfortune was caused by her keratin carelessness. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that nail clipping is an activity that must be done whilst one is squirreled away in a bathroom with wan lighting. To keep your cuticles cute, you'll need proper equipment while you're in exile. That's why you need the Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier.Let's start off with a list of places where you should NOT be clipping your nails:
Now that you have the proper tools, there's no excuse for clipping your nails anywhere near me or any other human being. Do the right thing, people. Clip in private. Clip with precision. Clip with dignity.
- On any form of public transportation
- In your place of business
- On a couch next to any other human being
- On a couch when you are alone
- Near a couch
- In any room with wall-to-wall carpeting or a thick area rug
- On a bed
- Church/synagogue/mosque/any place of worship
- Movie theater
- Broadway theater
- Interpretive dance theater
- Buses
- Planes
- Trains
- Hot air balloons
- During any form of surgery
- 99.9% of places on Earth
Batteries are included. For that alone, it gets the SkyMall Monday Seal of Approval. Throw in the fact that it's "perfect for seniors and visually impaired" and allows for "smooth, fast, precise trimming," and you'll almost look forward to being banished to the bathroom while you trim your nails. Just be careful. I get worried when anything is spring loaded. That sounds like a recipe for eye damage. And you know how I feel about eye damage.Easily and safely trim your nails with this lighted nail clipper. Quality stainless steel spring loaded cutters for long use and includes batteries for LED light.
Now that you have the proper tools, there's no excuse for clipping your nails anywhere near me or any other human being. Do the right thing, people. Clip in private. Clip with precision. Clip with dignity.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Flygracefully Jun 28th 2010 3:32PM
Thank you for clearing up nail trimming etiquette. Now if only people would follow it. I don't bother taking nail clippers on the road because I like to do it in the privacy of my house and not in a hotel.
...I did file my nails in an airport terminal the other day though.
Mike Barish Jun 28th 2010 2:04PM
Hmmm, filing is probably not OK but still way better than clipping. Just leave the PedEgg at home! Thanks for the comment.
Carlo Alcos Jun 28th 2010 3:09PM
"If you think I'm exaggerating, you're probably gnawing on your toenail as you read this. You're an animal. Read the product description while I dry heave because of you:"
Hilarious. I'll admit, I'm an animal by your standards. But as far as I know I've never endangered any ocular appendages (that's a real term by the way, I Googled it). Would Ralph's mother from A Christmas Story say the same thing had he wished for a set of nail clippers I wonder?
Mike Barish Jun 28th 2010 3:09PM
I want to dislike you but your wordplay is too damn likable. You confound me!
Chuck Jun 28th 2010 5:05PM
I agree with you 1001 percent. Sometimes I just hack off an annoying toe nail with a pair of scissors but I'd NEVER EVER do it in front of anyone.
I'm being honest.
Chuck Jun 28th 2010 4:55PM
...but you really have zero business saying I shouldn't do it on MY couch/sofa/whatever.
I'm a hermit and no one ever comes to visit me. If I should in some future era get over my case of ass against the human race I know how to "buck up".
Chuck Jun 28th 2010 5:03PM
I'm also confused as to why you think it's inappropriate for someone to clip a nail in the loo. Is taking a sh*t more socially acceptable? Have you ever had a bitching ass painful ingrown toenail? Sounds like no.
Mike Barish Jun 28th 2010 5:06PM
Chuck, I appreciate your honesty. While we may disagree on some thing, I respect you. When you're ready to have visitors, I'll gladly accept an invite. Do me a favor and crack a window before I get there, though.
Chuck Jun 28th 2010 5:18PM
Well see the thing is I know quite a bit about how crackers this is because I'm a Health Care Professional. You have absolutely zero idea how futile this kind of thing is when you study abouts the enormous amount of bacteria that are everywhere. I wash my hands like a scrub surgeon whether I'm home or out.
That's because the trivial stuff like toenails are relatively safe. When you just come into respiratory contact with another human being you're more apt to get an illness
Also people that don't WASH their hands for at least one minute with soapy hot
water are more likely to give you a problem then some moron mucking with a toenail. It's feces that's the big problem. People need to WASH THEIR HANDS.
Sherry Jun 29th 2010 3:13PM
Finally got a chance to read this piece. At first I heartily giggled at your alliteration, which knows no bounds, and then read the comments, causing even harder laughter.