Breaking news! This morning, Virgin America announced that it will be joining forces with long time rival American Apparel in what will be the world's largest hipster conglomerate. Aptly named "Virgin Apparel," the new company is slated to control 84% of the skintight-jean wearing market, far ahead of the next biggest player in the industry, Jaunted, which controls 7%. Corporate financing firm Moody's also predicts that fixie bike riders will now dedicate at least 74% of their travel to the new powerhouse, nearly twice the current level.
With such a stranglehold over the market, Virgin Apparel will soon find themselves in the position to start selectively taking reservations. One strategy to "sift out the phonies" recently suggested by Virgin America director of public relations Nick Carey was to "require all passengers to wear leotards and aviator sunglasses," a move that will surely create deep rifts within passengers' ranks.
Set for completion in the third quarter of 2010, the merger has not had any impact on Virgin America's refusal to add Chicago to their route map.
Shares of Virgin America stock soared in response to the announcement, surging up 14% in opening trading while American Apparel's stock wedged up a solid 3% in kind.
Filed under: April Fools Posts