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SkyMall Monday: Walk-O-Long
Shockingly, I do not have any children...that I know of. Sure, they're cute and cuddly and can fetch you a beer when you don't want to step away from the television. But, in these modern times, they're also coddled, spoiled and, quite frankly, a tad too cocky. Now that they can control their own nosebleeds and traverse even the most demanding terrains, there's just no stopping their egos from growing beyond our control. Children used to be humble and obedient. Today, they text their parents with demands for Super Sweet Sixteens. We've lost control of our children (well, your children). That's why I've decided that the time has come for adults to once again assert our dominance. For those of us with drivers licenses, voting rights and porn purchasing power to rise up, stand tall and crush those sniveling rugrats once and for all. Since this is a new problem that I just realized we have, there is clearly only one source that could possibly provide us with the necessary assistance. I am referring, of course, to SkyMall. But how can SkyMall help us destroy the spirits of countless children? It is but a catalog of fantastical goods. Well, did you know that SkyMall sells the single greatest product for psychological warfare against children? Oh, yes, my adult comrades, it is true. I give you the Walk-O-Long. How does it work, you ask? You're just chock full of questions today, aren't you? You see, the Walk-O-Long is a foam and nylon leash that connects to a harness that you strap onto your child. Watch from a convenient-and forced-close proximity as your child's self-esteem, freedom and imagination slowly whither away. With their ability to run free and believe in their self-worth sufficiently destroyed, children will cede control and adults will finally return to power.
Not sure that the Walk-O-Long is up to the task? Lest you doubt my selection of this child-destroyer, I'm happy to share this information from the product description:
Made of super strong flat nylon webbing used by firefighters with built-in comfy handles to fit every adult grip.It fits every adult grip! That includes both kung-fu and Super Poli!
So, are you with me? Will you join the resistance? Then put on your camouflage underpants, pack a lunch and purchase the Walk-O-Long. It's about time children stopped being treasured and started being tethered.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.
Filed under: Gear
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
verdegrrl Aug 10th 2009 1:57PM
A child harness very practical from a safety standpoint - no more losing them in a crowd. Let's face it, kids often get restive while being carried or in a stroller. Besides - it teaches them something other than to be passive and lazy in a stroller - often playing videos on an iPhone.
daryck Aug 10th 2009 6:22PM
what happened to hand-holding?
Secret Asian Man Aug 11th 2009 5:32PM
What happened to teaching your kids to stay close to you?
What happened to teaching your kid what to do when they get lost or if a stranger tries to take them away?
verdegrrl Aug 11th 2009 6:44PM
Some kids don't like to hold hands. And what do you do with a 1yo who is ambulatory but not fully rational in a reasoning sense?
I had a hyper younger brother. He climbed out of his crib and dislocated his hip before he could even walk. He climbed onto the top of the fridge using drawers and flour cannisters as steps when he was in the crawling stage. Mom was out one day hanging laundry when he was just starting to walk. She was folding a sheet, turned around, and there he was about 100 ft away, petting a cow's leg - in clear danger of being kicked to the moon. One minute he was beside her, the next he wasn't. Needless to say, there was absolutely no way of keeping track of him in certain situations without a harness and leash. Mom didn't use it all of the time, and it wasn't for very long - maybe a year or so until he could identify some dangerous situations himself - but it was the only way to keep track of him in crowds or situations where the adults might be distracted for a moment and danger was perhaps nearby. There was no forcing him to sit in a stroller for longer than 10 minutes, and you couldn't hold him for more than 5 minutes without it turning into a squirm-fest. The harness was by far the most humane thing for him, kept him safe, and allowed him to explore to some degree.
Until you've been exposed to a hyper kid like that, it's hard to imagine what life is like. Mom said if he had been the first, he would have been the last. ;)