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Galley Gossip: Just a few things a flight attendant doesn't want to hear
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1. BRACE! - I'll bet you there wasn't a flight attendant in the world who did not open their flight manual and review the ditching procedures right after seeing what an amazing job the US Airways crew did evacuating a flight after landing in the Hudson River. On my last flight from New York to Chicago, out of La Guardia, you better believe I felt for my life vest under my jumpseat and did a quick 30 second review of our emergency evacuation procedures before take-off. While I know what I have to do, do you know you should do when the flight crew yells BRACE!
2. QUICK, I NEED A BARF BAG! - The last time I heard these dreaded words I happened to be standing in the first class galley. A passenger from coach came running all the way up the aisle and proceeded to throw up all over the lead flight attendant who was holding an open plastic bag, two commuting flight attendants sitting on the jumpseat, the cockpit door, the first class galley counter, and all over the linoleum floor. The sick woman pretty much made a semi-circle from the entry door to the coffee pots, hitting everything in sight - except for me, thank God. I felt really bad for her. I felt even worse for the other flight attendants. But it was Chris, a fellow coworker, who got the worst of it. When he bent over to clean up the vomit with a little shovel and crystals that turn barf into a foamy gel, his cell phone fell out of his starched shirt pocket and smack dab into the mess.
3. I PROBABLY FLY MORE THAN YOU DO - That's the phrase that bothers my friend Anthony, a flight attendant for a foreign carrier, the most. It's what usually follows next that bothers me - I'M A (insert frequent flier status here)! Even so, that doesn't give you the right to do whatever it was you were doing that you were asked to stop doing, something you already know you shouldn't be doing, given the miles you've flown. Now turn it off and put it away.
4. CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF WATER - SO I CAN TAKE A PILL Passengers don't realize how quickly airplanes are turned around. Before I even have a chance to stow my crew bags and check the emergency equipment to make sure that it's there and working, passengers are already making their way down the aisle to their seats. Boarding is by far the busiest time for a flight attendant. Half the time we haven't even had a chance to set up the galley when passengers, five seconds after walking aboard the airplane, come running to the back of the aircraft to ask for "pill water." Which is why we sometimes look a little flustered by the request.
5. SO DOES THAT MEAN THE ALCOHOL IS FREE? Whenever an announcement is made that there's going to be a delay, nine times out of ten a passenger (or four) will ask if the alcohol is free, and freak out when it's not free, because when it rains or snows or the airplane has a mechanical, free alcohol is always the solution. I mean who doesn't want to get trapped in a flying tube for hours on end with a bunch of drunk passengers?
6. YOU'RE HOLDING US HOSTAGE! Luckily the only passenger I've ever heard use this phrase was celebrity passenger who is known for her magazine and television show. She made this announcement years ago in the first class galley after sitting on the tarmac in New York for over an hour due to icy weather conditions at the airport. We were flying to Bermuda. After the crew explained that we could not go back to the gate and lose our spot for take-off just for her she eventually sat back down and surprisingly did not say another word. My coworker Florence, who found herself with a three hour air traffic control hold in Chicago on a full Super80 flight with hysterical passengers - two who were claustrophobic and one who kept threatening to sue because the airline was holding him hostage, announced, 'And how do you think I feel?" My sentiments exactly. No one likes a delay, including flight attendants.
7. ARE THERE ANY FIRST CLASS SEATS AVAILABLE? Recently a woman asked me this question on a flight from New York to San Francisco because her headsets didn't work at her seat and she refused to move to another aisle seat in coach unless her husband could sit right beside her. The flight was full. Trust me when I tell you that if you feel the need to ask this question, the answer is no. Flight attendants do not upgrade passengers. Gate agents are the only ones with upgrading power, so those are the people you need to schmooze. But keep in mind that not only is there a standby list for those oh-so-precious premium seats, and each and every passenger on that list knows exactly where their name is on the list, there are very strict rules about moving passengers from coach to first class when there are seats available.
8. CAN YOU HELP ME GET MY BAG IN THE OVERHEAD BIN? For those of you who follow my blog, this question was addressed in my post, flight attendant pet peeve #3: you want me to do what? Simply put, unless you are an unaccompanied minor, elderly or handicapped and your bag is not too heavy, I will not put the bag in the bin. What I will do is help you find a place for the bag. I may assist you in getting the bag inside the bin, but the key word here is assist, people, as in team effort, because I will not do it for you.
9. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO FOOD / WE HAVE TO PAY FOR FOOD / YOU RAN OUT OF MY PREFERRED FOOD CHOICE? Exactly that - there's no food, you have to pay for food, or we ran out of your preferred food choice - nothing more. It's not personal. It's business. So whatever you do, please don't get mad at me, I'm just the messenger. Trust me when I tell you that flight attendants dread passing this message along to you. We already know how you're going to respond. So just where did the service go? Unfortunately it disappeared along with those high ticket prices, which is why we're now all stuck inside the flying metal tube together. Can't we all just get along, regardless of the food situation?
10. ON MY LAST FLIGHT... These four little words are just the beginning of what I like to call "the bad response," which is the response I often get whenever I tell someone what I do for a living. Ya see these four oh-so-innocent words will now be followed by a pause, which will then be accompanied by a weird look, which of course leads to a very bad story about their last flight. Needless to say, the conversation usually doesn't go so well after this. How can it? I've now been linked to the worst flight this person has ever had.
11. (From creepy pilot) ANYONE WANT A BACK RUB? Uh - no! I don't think so. Now here's your coffee. Get back in the cockpit and stay there! This question came from my favorite pilot, Bob, the singing pilot, who is so not creepy at all, even though he did write a song about me - Lay across your jump seat, Heather.
12. HERE, TAKE THIS DIAPER? I'll take the diaper, but only if you'll work the beverage cart. Seriously, the last thing I want to touch is a dirty diaper (or crumpled snot rag) when I serve people food and drinks for a living. It's just not sanitary to do such a thing. Look, I have a two year-old who travels often, so I know how it is, I know it's not easy, but you're going to have to keep the diaper at your seat until the aisle is clear and you can dispose of it properly in the lavatory trash receptacle.
13. WHEN DO WE GET THERE (During boarding) As I stand in the aisle and stare blankly at my watch, I'm trying to remember where we are right now, because I've been to several cities already, and where are we going again? Oh yeah, now I'll just add the flying time, subtract the time change, and while I'm doing this passengers are flagging me down for "pill water" and asking me to help stow their bags. "Don't they know what time they land when they buy their ticket?" asked Lynne, a fellow coworker. "Honestly, flight attendants only know what time they have to report to the airplane." Sad, but true.
14. CAN YOU BREAK A $100? Uh-no! Which is exactly why you're asking. Whenever somebody asks me to break a large bill, I make it a point to find the change, even if I have to go through the cabin begging each and every passenger to help me out. Usually passengers who carry big bills are trying to score a free headset, drink, or snack. Oh I know exactly what they're doing. And don't ask me for change every five seconds in flight, either. I don't have it. I'll get it to you as soon as possible. I'm not going anywhere. I promise!
15. WHERE ARE WE? On the airplane. Honestly, I don't know where we are when I'm working a flight. I don't have a chance to sit and stare out the window. What I do know is that we're not there yet and the man in 24B would like a diet coke and his wife would like a glass of water - no ice, and that there are at least 50 more passengers behind you left to serve, before we pull the cart back up to the front of the aircraft and throw it all away. Please don't make me walk all the way to the back of the aircraft, not when I'm in the middle of the service, just to call the cockpit and find out where we are - approximately, because we won't be there for long and you know you're going to ask me again, because we're still not there yet.
Other tales from the skies
Amazing and insane stories from a real-life flight attendant and co-pilot
Filed under: Galley Gossip
Reader Comments (Page 5 of 36)
lear60man Jan 28th 2009 7:15AM
Hey Heather,
If you dont like you job, quit:) I prefer foreign carriers as the FA's dont seem put off at normal requests. Its your job to handle passenger requests. I know, I know "my job is to save your butt not kiss it." When the plane is going down feel free to stick to your training. Until then, customer service is what is what will keep your airline afloat. Until then I will continue to fly foreign carriers to my corporate fly job over seas.
Onslow Jan 28th 2009 7:26AM
This Article is just more covert BullS??t dribble from the Government to keep the Public mentally distracted while the coffers are being Looted.
JCruz Jan 28th 2009 7:23AM
I would strongly suggest that "heather" the..ahem.."writer" of this little piece, get a new job. She is truly lacking in professionalism and perhaps a job where she isn't around people is better suited for her. Actually she's lucky she has a job at all. If I were her supervisor she would be long gone.
Jane Jan 28th 2009 7:23AM
Like SO many other HIGHLY PAID people...Stop whinning...Be greatful you have a job!
jbjg24m Jan 28th 2009 7:28AM
JUST HOPE THAT THE PILOTS NAME ISN'T JACK AND SOMEBODY HOLLERS OUT "HI JACK" !!
Mr Concerned Jan 30th 2009 1:40AM
They just like to pose like the one on the picture above you call Heather. In reality she has borrowed those legs from someone and uses them to show off for limited minded pilots and passengers like "singing BOB". It is sad to see how these flight attendants more and more are becoming "glorified angels" and try to ridicule everyone whom they do not like just for one wrong comment. If it was up to Heather, many passengers would be arrested by homeland security at the end of flight for asking dumb questions from a glorified waitress. After reading this article I have a feeling that if the people of America will tolerate this bull... what airlines and their employees are passing down to us, sooner-later we all are going to be marching passengers for these flight "masters" as they blow the whistle for us each time we board a flight.
tese42s Jan 28th 2009 7:53AM
Now I know where all the whinny, inconsiderate, Aholes are when they aren't spreading all of their bad upbringing traits here on the ground.
Marc Jan 28th 2009 7:50AM
I'm a flight Attendant, and this is hilarious to me!!! All of what she said is true. My one biggest pet peeve, is people who talk during the announcements and saftey demo. You may be a frequent flyer and have heard it a million times, but there just maybe someone who is new to flying on board and may want to know what to do in case we have an emergency. Some people even try to talk louder than the recorded announcement. Sad
Julie Jan 28th 2009 7:51AM
Oh, Heather, I couldn't have said it better myself. I have been a flight attendant for twenty years (mad props to my co-workers on the Hudson!!) and I have heard them all. You only left out one, my personal most hated question of all..."Am I going to make my connection?" Well, I'm trapped in the metal tube up here with you. I'm not psychic, and I don't have access to a computer. How would I know, exactly? If I tell you yes, and you don't make it, it's my fault. If I tell you no, well, that's my fault, too. Bottom line, I DON'T KNOW, and it doesn't matter until we land. I will add that the most ridiculous request I ever got was many years ago when we served meals on 737's cross country. Full airplane, no extra space for even a molecule to move, and a passenger asks me, in the middle of the meal/beverage service, to stand in line for the bathroom FOR HIM, then send someone to get him when I get there, so he doesn't have to wait in line himself. People, we DO love our jobs, we do. But how would you feel when faced with customers like this? We're not personal servants. And to those people with specific food needs (what is a pescetarian?) I beg you, bring your own. If you're allergic, religious or diabetic, nobody is responsible for your meals except you. We are now strictly in the transportation business. We don't have any hidden food that we're not giving you just to be mean. Happy trails!
Kristi Jan 28th 2009 10:48AM
You asked, what would you do? I would stand in line for them if I was dong nothing else. If I was occupied with another duty I would say "I'm so very sorry. I wish I could help you but I am required to serve lunch (or whatever) at this time."
AhovalaN Jan 28th 2009 2:22PM
Every business or job has people working in it that have pet peeves. The bottom line is you chose the job that you have. I agree, give praise to the Flight Attendants on the Hudson that saved lives. For the most part many of the people that fly will never have a plane go down and they want to get to where they are going in a reasonable time so that they can get on with their lives. So if they ask you will they make their connecting flight because something happened and the flight is running behind, they would like an intelligetn answer, and IT IS YOUR JOB to help them, and maybe even care. If you are in the transportation business, then how about getting to your destination on time? How about providing a pleasant environment for the customer? People get frustrated when they spend their money and the service is lacking. People get upset when they ahve paid hundreds of dolars and their flight is 4 or 5 hours late. And YES, because you are the closest person to them that works for the company you are going to take the flack. If that is a problem for you, then maybe this is not the job for you. Customer service is dealing with the public. People are going to be mean and thoughtless and expect a lot from you. Guess what? That is not going to change! So yes we want you to break a large bill and we want you to get our special meal, and we want you to go above and beyond your job description. No, we don't care what kind of day you are having and we don't care if this is the millionth time someone has asked you a stupid question and yes we want you to smile and be pleasant. If you want to be mean to the people that you have to take care of maybe you can get a job as a prison guard or deal with juvenille delinquents, (even though I must admit sometimes people act like prisoners or juvellin delinquents) but as long as people pay large sums of money to fly, and there are more than one airline, we want you to be nice and pretend to like it. Because after all is said and done for the most part you don't save lives, the bulk of your job consists of taking care of passengers and making sure their flight experience is a pleasant one. Thank you for flying "Like it Is" airlines, we hope that you had a wonderful flight experience and that we will see you again real soon.
Julie Jan 29th 2009 1:01PM
Kristi, Kristi, Kristi....do they know you're out unsupervised? Next time you want to go off institution grounds, make sure your meds are up to date. As for you, AhovalaN, go back to your ESL class and see if they can teach you to spell. Big FYI? "Juvellin" is not a word. As for the poster who wanted to know "where the good looking ones are", (meaning flight attendants) allow me to enlighten you. They're wondering themselves where all the well-mannered, charismatic, dapper businessmen went. When, exactly, did they get replaced by Joey Buttafuoco wannabes, in their NFL team pajama pants. pit stained sweatshirts and mullets, having somehow gotten a seat in first class with the proceeds from their "Girls Gone Wild" bootleg business? They huff and puff their festering swamp breath all over everybody as they struggle to fasten their seatbelt extensions over their huge bellies, right before they plant their smelly stocking feet on the wall and demand a beer. With ice. Oh wait, was that you? Who knew? Trust me, you aren't missing anything because you didn't stand a chance. The "good looking ones" were interested in men who didn't think a romantic evening consisted of a bucket of KFC and a Colt 45 in the El Camino in the 7-11 parking lot near the strip club. Now if you don't mind, I have to hand out earplugs, eyeshades and surgical masks to everyone ELSE in first class, and then I'll be happy to bring you your hot steaming cup of STFU.
TRex Jan 28th 2009 7:51AM
Everybody who works has and things they don't like about there jobs. If it were not for customers/clients we would all be out of jobs. I'm sure little Heather is probably somebody elses nightmare as a customer elsewhere. Ever think of that Heather?
John Jan 28th 2009 8:05AM
Get a real job lady. You are just a waitress in the sky. Nobody cares how you feel.
vanessa Jan 28th 2009 1:49PM
in response to your comment that flight attendants are just waitressses, f/as are on the aircraft primarily for your safety. They are highly trained in emergency procedures such as evacuations, medical emergencies, etc. A great majority of f/as have college degrees also. If all that was required of f/as was to serve beverages and the occasional meal don't you think the airlines would install vending machines in all aircraft and get rid of f/as? That would be a great cost cutter to the airline industry. I would like to see a vending machine perform cpr on someone or better yet, conduct an evacuation from a burning aircraft. Atleast waitressess get tips even for bad service!
JL Jan 28th 2009 2:53PM
okay - you're a waitress that knows cpr. Big deal. Just bring me my beer and be quiet.
Marc Jan 28th 2009 11:16AM
Heather, don't worry bout the negative comments. They are probably the people who are getting on your nerves.
I'm a flight attendant, and in defense of Heather..its not that she doesnt like her job, but it does get old when people think that just because they paid for their ticket that its your job to do their bidding. Basically, you paid for getting you from point A to point B in one piece. Everything else we(flight attendants) do for you really isnt mandantory. We are there for your saftey, then for your comfort.
I'm a nice guy, and most travelers like me, however I don't have to take crap from passengers. I want to help you, but not baby you, especially if your being a butthole...there are more flights after the one I'm working. I've only had to put someone off a flight once, but would do it again if I needed to. People think you have to stand there and take it cause its your job....not...lol
KC Jan 28th 2009 11:56AM
You would think people are smarter nowadays, however, they are not. I think the fools that ask stupid questions on jets should spend their time more wisely READING whats in front of them and let the flight attendants do their job of getting ready to take off! and people! LEARN TO SAY "THANK YOU" a flight attendant almost fainted when I said it to her...she said, "I dont get that, that often."
FA retired Jan 28th 2009 8:11AM
Funny, funny! Really, mostly these things are only so annoying due to frequency. A personal annoyance for me was also serving coffee, asking, "Do you need anything for your coffee?" them responding, "What do you mean?" Cream or sugar? What? Take off your headphones. Oh, what? CREAM OR SUGAR. No, wait yes, don't you have Splenda? Etc, etc. Only 200 more to do...ha! I Do feel sorry for people with ZERO food on airplanes. Can really be a problem for the non-pro or quick connections.
Kurt Jan 28th 2009 8:11AM
Seriously... this sounds like a bunch of gossipy, whining QUEENS! You don't know how much S*** the rest of us have to eat doing what we do. As others have suggested you crybabies ought to get a job working with inanimate objects. Sure there is the odd request that's annoying or inappropriate but you "stewardesses" don't have it all that rough. Give me a break!