Click on a label to read posts from that part of the world.

GALLEY GOSSIP: 10 ways to be REALLY annoying at the airport

by Heather Poole (RSS feed) on Nov 24th 2008 at 9:30AM

1. BE A PERV - Get frisked. Several times. That's right, just keep going back and forth through airport security. When TSA looks at you funny during the pat down, grin mischievously and say, "oh yeah, that feels good." Make sure to mean it when you say it. If you don't get frisked, just smile and tell them you think they missed a spot. Use your eyes to show them the spot. You know the one. See how many times you can do it and actually get away with it.

2. FLIRT - Walk around, linger at a gate, and when you find that perfect someone stare intensely. Don't blink. When they finally catch you staring, walk on over and use the flight delay / cancellation / on time boarding as an ice breaker to get to know the one you've been scaring. Go for it! Ask that person out on a date. You can go to the food court for coffee. If you still like each other after coffee, grab a bite for dinner. Take it a step further and try speed dating.

3. EAT - Don't you know that calories don't count at the airport? So go ahead and enjoy. No place to sit? Have a picnic on the floor. At the gate. Make sure you're surrounded by passengers before you sit down. Use nearby luggage as a makeshift table. Be romantic by bringing along a date, perhaps the one you picked up at the gate. (Scroll back up to #2)

4. CALL YOUR MOTHER - Or better yet, call another mother, like my mother. Make sure you're wearing the blue tooth when telling the mother of your choice what you're doing, and not doing, and make sure to give details, lots and lots of details. Take it up a notch and explain to her, very loudly, exactly what the passenger sitting next to you is doing. Continue the play by play for as long as possible.

5. READ - Out loud. Help others around you catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. Make sure to let everyone know that Jen is pregnant with twins and that John Mayer is the father. Ask those seated nearby what they have to think, and the let me know whether or not they believe Jen is finally over Brad. While discussing these oh so important details, don't forget to prop those feet up on your suitcase. Better yet, use another passenger's suitcase. When you're done, get out a notebook and make a list of things you think Jen should do, as well as the things she shouldn't do, and share it with those around you. Don't forget to fill me in.

6. ANSWER A PAGE - When someone is paged over the airport intercom, drop everything you're doing, your magazine included, put your hands over your ears and cry out, "I'm hearing voices again!" Another option, "Leave me alone!" "It wasn't me! I didn't do it this time!" Or how about just pretending you're the one who was just paged, every single time someone is paged, and take the call. See if anyone notices.

7. BOTHER THE AGENT. Whenever you see the agent about to make a PA, stand up, walk over to the counter and mimic the agent as he/she makes the announcement. When the announcement is over, make sure to ask "When are we going to leave? Can't we just get a new airplane?" Don't forget to use the word ridiculous as often as possible whenever addressing someone wearing blue. In fact, just yell it out whenever you see a uniform passing by. Even when you're not at the airport.

8. PLAY A GAME - How about, What's in your bag? Guess what other people pack by pointing at a bag and stating the contents inside the bag out loud. When you're done, open the bag to see if you were right. Not fun enough? Okay, see if you can steal your neighbors food when they're not looking. (Take it on your picnic and share it with your date) Bonus points if you can snag a drink, too. After that try having a staring contest with your neighbor, but don't tell the neighbor, only inform them who won. Next you can practice breathing. Swallowing. Sleeping. Disappearing.

9. WORK OUT. Use the moving sidewalk like a treadmill and the escalator as a stair stepper. Make sure to wear athletic shorts and use your tube socks as a sweatband while listening to your Ipod. Run back and forth through the terminal carrying as many bags as possible and scream out, "I'll be damned if I pay that fee!"

10. TAKE A RIDE - Stand smack dab in the middle of the moving sidewalk and go for a nice long leisurely ride while taking in the scenery. Never mind all those people anxious to get to their gates standing right behind you. When you get to the end, double back and do it again. Or find a wheelchair and get rolling. Wrap a luggage tag around your arm and ride the baggage claim conveyor belt. Have your travel companion arrive with a luggage cart, pick you up, load you on, and roll you away. Don't come back. Take the bus next time.

10 1/2. HUG A FLIGHT ATTENDANT. Make sure to announce that it's hug a flight attendant day and that you'll be giving out hugs throughout the flight. Why? Because you know the crew has been wearing the same polyester uniform for days, because they're not getting paid for the delay, because you really do know it's not their fault, and because they've already heard that story, the one about your worst flight, which happened to be your last flight, or was it this flight? You can't remember, so you'll just tell it again.

Filed under: Galley Gossip

Search Travel Deals

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Jamie Rhein Nov 21st 2008 11:45PM

"Run through the terminal carrying as many bags as possible and scream out, 'I'll be damned if I pay that fee!'"

Heather, I laughed out loud. Very funny.

Brian Nov 24th 2008 11:36AM

Oh, the ticket agents and gate agents could write so much more about exasperating nincompoops! I don't fly enough to warrant admission to the high-rollers' lounges, so I wait on the vinyl gang seating with everyone else - except those coach-class customers who bum-rush the gate before first-class pax boarding is announced!

Raymond Nov 24th 2008 1:48PM

Aww... You little skamp you! SO evil! I think I am in love with you! Heather, do you know how many people will do this "just for fun" over the Holidays? (myself included!) These are just too good to pass up. Now I wish I was in an airport every day so I could LMAO! Not really, but when I am there I will be having fun with these!
Hey heres a couple for when your at Walfart! Bark like a dog really loud when nobody is looking, and of course pretend YOU didn't hear a thing OR just walk down an aisle and call for your Mom (your age doesn't matter)!
Thanks for giving me the ideas for a fun filled holiday Heather!

Cady Dec 4th 2008 10:37AM

Raymond,
You are hilarious! I was actually laughing outloud at your Walfart suggestions. Classic. Thanks for the great laugh!

Raymond Dec 4th 2008 11:06AM

Thanks Cady, but I doubt you would be laughing so hard if I was doing it to you! Well maybe you would join me! That would work too! :-) Live, Laugh and Love!

Nick Hawkins Nov 24th 2008 1:46PM

The last time TSA scanned my camera bag, I got multiple comments plus the additional screening whereby they wipe the camera stuff and put it in the machine that goes ping.

Them: "What do you shoot?"
Me: "Pornography. Usually men in groups. Are you familiar with Mapplethorpe?"

Also, push cart races around baggage claim is quite fun. Better yet, getting on the carousel yourself is fun. I also like to try to bribe the people who drive the carts around to let me drive. I've been trying to steal the McDonalds cart at DFW for years.

Chris Nov 24th 2008 4:21PM

What about the ever popular:

"sneak up to an un-occupied gate and use the microphone to pretend you are the voice of God and instruct 'jason' (or any other common name that there's bound to be at least one of around) to build an ark."

?

Traytable Nov 24th 2008 7:40PM

Chris, search YouTube for 'The Chasers at Sydney Airport Qantas Anouncements'- they do similar to what you describe and its hilarious!

I call the pre-boarding-announcement rush the 'seagull mob'- you know, when you have fries and all the seagulls rush up in an eager little circle... :P

Kevin Nov 25th 2008 1:11AM

I actually saw a woman using one of the moving sidewalks to tire out her kid before the flight... had her running in place while she stood just behind, on the metal bit and holding her up, and pulled her off when somebody started coming down it.

I've also gone up the down escalator myself...

Brenda SFO Nov 27th 2008 12:56AM

I once came upon a dour-looking bunch of TSA'ers as I was going through the security line, and I was in a mischievious mood. Fortunately I was picked to go stand in the air-blowing booth. I grinned and stepped in the booth...poof...poof...poof...the door opened, I stepped out and asked, "WhooHooo, can I do that again?" The TSA'er looked at me with a confused face and said, "What did you say?" I said, "Can I do that again? That felt good, and next time I'm going to wear a skirt!" The grumpy looking TSA'er blushed 20 shades of red, the TSA'ers standing by snickered and I walked on to my gate! At least I made them laugh!

Traytable Nov 27th 2008 6:50PM

Another great one was done by the guys on the Man Show a few years back- they went to the airport dressed as (AA?) pilots, and acted drunk all through the terminal. The reactions of passengers were absolutely priceless!

I especially love it when they do as suggested earlier and race baggage carts... :P

One thing I find very annoying:

Find a flight attendant who looks like s/he is in a rush, and a) stop them to ask a complicated question that has NOTHING to do with flying, or b) stand smack bang in the middle of the travelator/escalator and let no-one pass, even when you can hear the high heels clacking along from half a mile behind you.

Or you could be really evil and do a) as you block them with b) >:)

No seriously, this combo makes me want to murder passengers on a regular basis!!!!

frank96 Nov 30th 2008 4:50PM

Walk onboard, sneezing and hacking. Stuffing Vicks, by the gobs, up your nose. Corner me in the galley as I feel your breath and your spit against my face. As you ask me for something to drink. The drink order, no problem. The spit on my face from someone sick, VERY ANNOYING.

Gabby Dec 3rd 2008 1:23AM

Heather, you are dead on with the onoxious "Can you hear me now" even though I don't want or care to cell phone idiot? What makes this particular fool so important that the whole freaking airport needs to hear his conversation. Please go up to that empty gate and P.A. and feel free to broadcast the conversation even louder!