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Galley Gossip: Ma'am, is that a frying pan in your bag?
"Ma'am," said the TSA agent as he stared at the screen in disbelief.
I gulped. Oh no, here we go, I thought, as I stood in line and watched him sitting on the stool inspecting my bag on the screen in front of him. I smiled a friendly smile and tried to act nonchalant, as if I hadn't been dreading this moment all day. Man, I knew this was going to happen!
The TSA agent looked at me, and back at the screen. "Is that a frying pan in your suitcase?"
"Yes, sir, that is, in fact, a frying pan in my bag," I laughed.
All I could do was laugh. Not only had my grandpa given me a cast iron skillet (or two - okay three!), earlier that morning, he'd also given me a pound of potatoes from his garden in Texas. Luckily I found all the items he'd hidden in my bag before leaving for the airport. I only kept one cast iron skillet, and in my defense, it was the smallest one.
"Is everything okay?" I asked the TSA agent as he looked over his shoulder and made eye contact with another agent.
Guess not. Because now there were three agents surrounding the screen. They whispered amongst themselves and studied the frying pan with great intensity. It's just a frying pan, I wanted to say, but didn't, because now all three of them were looking at me. I, of course, just smiled and held my breath. Normally, in this kind of situation I'll crack a joke, say something silly about cooking eggs for the crew, but this time I kept my mouth shut.
NOTE: Always - ALWAYS - keep your mouth shut when TSA is inspecting your bag. And do whatever they say. Whether you like it or not.
It seemed like an eternity before the backup agents walked away from the screen. The one left sitting on the stool just shook his head and didn't say another word as the conveyor belt started to move again. When my suitcase popped out on the other side I thanked the guy and went on my merry way. That was close. Maybe a little too close.
TSA, I'm sure, has seen it all. And then some! I mean if I'm hauling a frying pan across the country, I wonder what other people are packing in their bags. It got me thinking.
"Excuse me," I said to a TSA agent standing beside me at the Wendy's counter at La Guardia airport last week. I had just ordered an iced tea, a little treat before starting a killer three-day trip flying in and out of Miami. (I still don't know what I was doing on that trip.) After explaining to the TSA agent I was in the process of writing a post about weird things people pack, I went on to ask, "What strange things have you seen on the job?"
As the TSA agent reached for a bag of food, the words, "Nothing too strange," were mumbled.
"Really?" I said. Now I was completely disappointed. Certainly this person had seen something! I handed a tired looking cashier lady two dollars and grabbed my drink. "I'm surprised to hear that."
As I punched a straw through the plastic lid, I almost didn't hear the agent mumble, "Well, there was a lady last week who..."
I spun around. "Who what? Tell me!"
"Kept setting off the security machine. We couldn't figure out what it was. Finally we had to take her aside and that's when she told us she was wearing a remote controlled (the following two words are my words - not the TSA agent's words) body massager."
My mouth dropped open and my eyes had to be bugging out of my head. "A what!"
"In her underpants," the agent said matter of fact, as if this kind of thing happened daily, before heading back to work.
Now I've never seen anything like that before, and I hope I never do, but once, while flying an international trip, I did happen upon a very strong senior mama carrying two rollaboards down a flight of stairs where the crew van awaited on the tarmac in London.
"Are you a commuter?" I asked eying both bags, one in each hand, as I stood feeling so teeny tiny beside a gigantic 767.
"No, sweetie, this is my Cappuccino maker," the flight attendant said, nodding at the bag on the right. "I make coffee for the crew in the mornings in my room. You're welcome to join us if you'd like."
And I did join in for coffee the next morning, since our layover rooms did not have coffee makers. Just tea pots. We were in London, remember? Thirteen years later I can say that toting a coffee maker across the ocean is not the norm. However, it's not-not the norm either, because when relaying this story to another flight attendant she laughed and said, "What about flight attendants who bring their sewing machines with them on their layovers?"
Apparently we have a hat maker amongst our ranks.
While I've never met the hat guy, I did watch in shock as a flight attendant carried a very large item through airport security and onto the airplane. I must add that the flight attendant dragging the monstrous machine also wore a wet lopsided bee hive of a bun on the side of her head. I couldn't decide which was more disturbing, the item being hauled through the airport or the hair.
Crazy is on the plane, each and every flight, but usually crazy is sitting in a seat and waiting for a drink - not working the other side of the cart. With me.
"Excuse me, ma'am" I said to the flight attendant with the screwy bun, channeling the TSA agent above. "Is that a vacuum cleaner attached to your bag?"
What other strange things have been found on planes?
Filed under: Airlines, Galley Gossip
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 3)
Emily Aug 7th 2008 2:34PM
If you think what some people carry on is weird, don't look in their checked bags.
I think the strangest think I ever discovered was a stuffed rat. Yep, a real rat a la taxidermy. The passenger told me the explanation after I discovered it on a full bag open search (back in the days where the bags were screened while the passenger waited.) Their large family rents a beach house on the Outer Banks of NC each year. It is their running gag that the rat has to be stowed in another family member's bag without their knowledge and whomever gets stuck with the rat has to host the next big family event (or something like that.)
People carry all kinds of strange things with them when the travel.
Bob the semi-talented singing pilot Aug 7th 2008 3:49PM
Osama-bin-Heather,
I see you have foiled airport security by getting your frying pan through.
If there is one thing I have learned from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons...........and it has been alot.....it's that the frying pan can be an effective, not to mention hilarious, weapon.
BONK !!!
http://www.myspace.com/maddoggydog777
Brenda SFO Aug 7th 2008 9:08PM
Or Heather could use it like a gong and bang it whenever an unruly passenger gets out of hand....kind of like Chuck Barris on The Gong Show. :). If that doesn't work, then I agree Bob, she should "bonk"
PG Aug 8th 2008 4:04AM
That was very sweet of your grand-daddy to give you potatoes from his garden. Of course, your allusion to cast-iron skillets now has me craving fried chicken at midnight.
I've often seen some strange carry-on items on flights to or from SFO, but the strangest item to me was on a LAX>BOS flight. A peculiar gentleman carried his acquarium fish in a Ziploc bag. Perhaps flying stressed them out because the guppies didn't make it. Another lad on a LAS>DEN flight decided to bring his pet squirrel on the plane. The rascal escaped during the flight, and its owner was still searching for it on the plane when I exited the plane.
I'm not a fan of TSA agents. I gave them a lot of slack in the beginning, assuming they would focus on keeping plane travel safe and feeling sympathy for the large volume of passengers and bags they must screen. Unfortunately, I've acquiesced into accepting that they think they can do whatever the heck they feel they like doing. I've encountered too many instances where they've behaved unprofessionally. For example, on multiple occasions, I've seen them embarrass women who carry "toys" in their carry-on bags. Instead of just examining them quietly to make sure there's nothing dangerous inside and moving on, I've seen them hold them up in the air and openly called their mates over, all seemingly just to cause a spectacle. Moreover, they tend to misunderstand the narrow scope of their jobs, apply rules arbitrarily and act according to thier moods instead of their senses. I don't feel any safer since TSA agents were introduced. I will desist because I don't want to be boring.
Best of luck with your Love on the Plane contest.
petekeeney Aug 13th 2008 6:30PM
You'd prob blame tsa if the plane crashed because they DIDNT look in the bag too. people like you make me sick. looking through bags has to be a thankless job, that everyone takes for granted, until something bad happens. theyre just doing their job. What is it that YOU do?
ron Aug 8th 2008 7:24AM
Great article
w67 Aug 8th 2008 8:19AM
a frying pan is a weapon ... for a french girl, at least
lol
random Aug 8th 2008 10:23AM
And I thought I was the only one! I had a couple TSA agents wondering why I was carrying a frying pan in my carryon a couple months ago. Rather than explain the woes of business travel and how the hotel's frying pan always burns my eggs, I just said "it's my favorite frying pan" and left it at that. They concluded that it was "just a normal frying pan" and let me go. Not sure what an abnormal frying pan would look like, but I didn't ask. The worst part was, the flight attendant from my flight was going through security at the same time and saw the whole exchange. So eventually the whole flightcrew knew I had a frying pan onboard. I'm just glad the pilot didn't mention it on the PA system.
LW Aug 8th 2008 12:49PM
I am a flt att with almost 39 yrs of seniority, still like my job and appreciate polite psgrs. Years ago when I was flying domestic, [I fly only int'l now] a man came on with a large plastic garbage bag and wanted to put the "fresh head [as in bloody] with antlers still attached" in the closet! Unbelievable!
Sunset7435 Aug 8th 2008 2:51PM
that is just horrifically disgusting! WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS! I say we add flying to the list of "Things you need a permit to do".
LW Aug 8th 2008 12:43PM
I am a flt att with 39 yrs seniority and still like my job and appreciate polite people, as in simple "please and thank you." Years ago when I was flying domestic, [fly only int'l now] a man came on before we left Fairbanks with a large plastic garbage bag and wanted to put the "fresh antlers still attached to the head" in the closet! Unbelievable!
JVH Aug 8th 2008 1:48PM
Frying pan not unusual about that. I've carried many a crazy sounding item when I flew. Yes, I have carried a sewing machine myself. It actually fit inside of my suitcase. Yes to the coffee pot routine also.
So what I saw coming on flights from JFK to SJU really didn't surprise me either. Like Billy goats dressed as babies.
asphoura Aug 8th 2008 2:36PM
No Joke! I'm moving overseas and was planning to take my Henckel's knife set, a stick blender, favorite le Creuset skillet, and cappuchino maker, among other things (not in the carryon but in my stowed baggage. Do I need to rethink this?
Maryellen Aug 8th 2008 5:42PM
Just have these questionable items (Henckels knives and blender) shipped to your new address overseas.
tiwahe02 Aug 8th 2008 2:43PM
Having been a TSA agent for many years and working in 30-35 different airports as part of the National Screening Force (NSF) .. I have seen many unusual items that passengers pack in both threre carry-ons and checked baggage .. Some I will not mention in this blog and some that were histerically funny .. And some gruesome .. One I remember was a young lady traveling back home to London and had a medium sized valise that had alarmed for unknown substance .. As I took the bag to a table for inspection I noticed the young lady kept watching me. After explaining all the options to the young lady and asking if there was anything inside that might harm me she just giggled and said no ! ... As I glanced inside the bag I snickered a little and looked at the young lady, who by now was laughing, I looked back in the bag and back at her and with a dumb question I said what is this ? .. She replied 450 packages of red licorice for her mother who had a sweet tooth and that was all there was in the bag. We both cracked up laughing ... One of the BETTER times with TSA ...
JK Aug 8th 2008 2:47PM
in Feb of 2002 not to long after 9/11 and everything was so serious and tight at the airport. I flew to Texas to see a friend and I packed 3 vibrators. Thought it would make the screeners laugh a little. I removed the batteries though was afraid one might get turned on and then they would think my bag had a bomb or something and blow it up lol. One of the agents put a note in the front pocket of my bag saying Thanks for the laugh and Hope you trip will be a "cosmic" experience lol.. One of the vibes was a glow in the dark lol
Cindy Aug 8th 2008 2:56PM
I havent heard any comments about the "body massager". I love the special body massager in my panties. Yes, you can buy them at most adult toy stores. My husband often carries the remote control.
For the record, I am not so dumb as to wear my "massager" when I fly. "Excuse me lady, would you please remove your panties and hand over your personal body massager." Yuck.
Tom Miller Aug 8th 2008 3:53PM
My wife and I thought we were being smart, too, by putting her "toy" in the checked baggage. We sure did not expect to get home and find that it had been stolen by the TSA gestapo. $50!
King Aug 8th 2008 2:52PM
People will pack the strangest thing .. Some good, some bad and some ugly ... When you work international flights for TSA you see many strange things ... One of my experiences involved a young lady traveling to London, a medium sized valise and 450 packages of red licorice. By the time I finished the bag check we were both laughing so hard I had tears coming out of my eyes ... Nothing like a good belly laugh and a friendly passenger ... Makes up for all the bad ones ... Six years, traveled the country for the National Screening Force, worked approx. 36 airports, retired and many memories ..
Lady Aug 8th 2008 2:59PM
I too have had a funny thing happen to me on a flight. We left NY for Fl. My 10 yr old and I. We brought along a portable personal cd player for my child to use on the flight with a package of brand new batteries. Okay so I'm one of those idiots that do not like to get up and down from my seat during a flight. My kid opened the batteries and only needed 3. There were 4 in the package. I had no pockets so proceeded to put the extra battery down my bra.
We had a layover at BWI and well needless to say we went out past security to make phone calls outside. Coming back in as I was going through security the alarm went off. The TSA agent asked me to move to the glass partition on the other side which I did.
They used a hand wand on me and I kept beeping. They asked me to remove the barrett in my hair and my belt which I did but I kept beeping. With that my kid yells hey mom you got a battery on you. OMG was I red. I reached into my bra and pulled out the battery to hearing everyone around me laughing their butts off. The TSA agents that had gathered around were amused. Needless to say I no longer but anything in my bra while traveling!!!