One time, on a late connection from Grand Rapids to Chicago to Los Angeles I rushed back to my seat on my California bound airplane and found it occupied. Grabbing the next seat I could find, I got comfortable and eventually started a conversation about favorite pickup lines with the guy next to me (I’ll tell you mine later). Finally he got around to asking me what I did, and I told him that I worked in Malibu as a research engineer.
And what did he do?
“I’m Kato Kaelin.” As if that was someone’s job. He then proceeded to tell me that he had met a hottie in Chicago and wanted her to come back and sit with us so he could work his game. Which was fine with me. Who argues with Kato Kaelin?
Kato vanishes for a little while and shows back up with a cute blond and he starts buying rounds of Skyy Vodka shots. And the conversation flows around all of the great things that Kato does and the pilot he was shooting and the strange reasons that he wasn’t flying in first class. The young lady mentions that she’s hungry, and remembering the spring rolls that my mom packed for me, I produce a dozen soggy pork-filled treats for a snack. And the shots keep coming.
Aside– cold spring rolls taste like crap. I got a huge kick out of watching Kato choke them down while he was flirting.
Anyway, wary of the fact that I’m freeloading off of the game that Kato is playing, he suggests that I buy the next round of shots. Sure thing, man. Who disagrees with Kato? Problem is, I haven’t got any money and the flight attendant is already on the way back with vodka.
When she gets back, all three of them look at me expectantly and I pause…
“Sorry Kato, I’m out of cash,” I said as I feigned looking through my wallet. I almost never carry cash.
He looks at me like, “Thanks, ass” and is about to say something before the blond chips in and offers to pay. Kato will have none of that though, so he ends up footing the bill.
That was the end of my free vodka, but the young woman got a hell of a deal. After more alcohol the pair engaged in a series of sensual massages (I’m serious) in the two seats right next to me. Later they disappeared towards the back of the plane. Curious after a few minutes, I looked towards the galley and saw Kato chewing the fat with a couple of flight attendants while the woman was in the bathroom. I guess she had shut him down before they both got it on in the lav.
Kato didn’t talk to me for the rest of the flight and when I saw both of them at LAX and waved cheerfully he glared back at me. I suppose he wasn’t very happy after buying all that vodka, eating cold spring rolls and not getting into the mile high club.
So long, Kato Kaelin. I hope that acting career works out. The next shots are on me.