It’s about time someone undertook a serious survey of why women do not do more
air guitar. This is serious stuff, the results of which
will no doubt shed light on some deep mysteries about the female psyche. We all know men don’t ask directions, and
scientists have largely proven that this is due to the presence of a neurotransmitter in the male brain known as
“funtogetlostamine”. That is, men actually enjoy, genetically-speaking, to get lost. Scientists have suggested that it
is this chemical which led to the dispersion of humankind around the world, and that without it, we’d all still be
living in Africa, albeit an Africa with a significantly higher number of Home Depots.
But air guitar? Could there be such a chemical or drive that compels men to do Peter Townsendian windmills even if no
guitar is present? Well,
Amanda Griffiths, a 32 year-old dance teacher from north Wales, will attempt to find out. The article goes on to
say that she will do so using “the complex arguments of French post-structuralist theorists such as Michel Foucault and
Marxists such as Roland Barthes.” Uh, yeah. Whatever. Actually, Amanda, I suggest you go to a party at the nearest
fraternity house and bring both your notebook and a raincoat (lest you get drenched in beer and vomit). Then go to your
neighborhood zoo and visit the chimp exhibit where male chimps show off to females by tossing around their feces. Then
you will learn all you need to know about the air guitar.